Easily Influenced

Hi Darling Ones,

I hold great disdain for influencer culture. Just hearing or reading the term “social media influencer” instantly activates my sneer reaction. One of my favorite pastimes is judging influencers and the ding-dongs influenced by them. I love to do this while sitting on my throne up here on Mount Haughty in my glass house.

For real though, my most recent resolution is to stop listing to anything thin white ladies I do not know have to say. I’m sure a lot of them mean well, but shut up. Please. Let’s pass the conch to someone else already.

I’m resisting the urge to go into a semi-coherent, Holden Caufieldesque rant about phoniness, privilege, class, pathetic sheep following the herd, and well, all the other things. You’re welcome.

Instead, I am going to show you how despite my great disdain for the people easily influenced by professional influencers, I too am easily influenced.

Up here on Mount Haughty we are not influenced by the phony people who perform their lives for the ‘gram. No, we are influenced by the things that matter: books, music, and tv.

A long, long time ago on a blogging platform far, far away I wrote a post about all the things I did because of a song. For example, I read Lolita because of The Police. One time I made a raspberry beret which turned out great, but made me look like I was wearing a toilet lid cover. I ended up giving it to BFK’s daughter. it was perfect for an eight-year-old.

If I thought about it hard enough, I’m sure I could think of 984 more examples, wrote the woman with Tina Belcher glasses who named her website after a song by The Replacements. I promise not to think about it so hard that I reminisce about my Fuck & Run years.

The latest influence in my life is The Bear, specifically Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto. Have you seen this show? It is excellent. It’s super intense. Kinda funny. Kinda sad. Will give you a little bit of flashback anxiety if you ever worked in a shouty restaurant kitchen. Best of all is Carmy. That kid can fucking get it, ifyouknowwhatimean.

The big thing in Carmy’s restaurant is an Italian beef sandwich with giardiniera.

Oh, I thought of another one. I spent a lot of 2017 obsessed with Cubano sandiwches because I watched the movie “Chef.”

Yes, I am obsessed with another sandwich. It’s not even the sandwich I’m so obsessed with. I’m not the biggest beef fan. What I’m really excited about is the giardiniera. I don’t even know how to pronounce the shit, but it looks like it would sound fancy and taste delicious.

While you can buy a jar of this stuff, that would not impress the imaginary 6’5″ 40+-year-old imaginary Carmy of my dreams. Making it yourself would impress him. Today I bought Muti-Grain Peanut Butter Tasteeoos and ALLLLLL the ingredients (cauliflower, carrots, olives, etc.) for giardiniera.

Since I quick pickled vegetables that one time like a motherfucking Top Chef, I am sure I can do this.

So now you know my plans for the weekend. Chopping vegetables and spending time with that hot Italian beef.

Bearishly yours,

P.S. I did not get the new glasses because they were Tina Belcher glasses. That’s just a coinkydink.

P.P.S. I accidentally ate dinner at 5 p.m. today like some sort of senior citizen. I was so hungry I wanted to do a murder so I just assumed it was like 7 p.m. As I was snarfing down my leftover chicken and rice burrito at the kitchen counter I noticed it was 5:07. Damn. In my defense, I did skip lunch because I had to present 31 pages of copy to a client today and that took a lot of work.

P.P.P.S. Last week the Hy-vee was out of my PB Cheerio knock offs and I was really afraid I was gonna lose them again.

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