Hi Darling Ones,

Last night in the time between putting down Mary Karr’s The Art of Memoir and before deciding if I had to turn on Frightened Rabbit*, I had two thoughts.

The first thought that popped into my brain was, I’m gonna die in my sleep because of some vaccine complication. I think it was the last of my vaccine-related anxiety kicking me in the crotch on its way out.

The second thought that popped into my brain was, whoo, we made it.** This second thought had more to do with the depression that engulfed me for the past few months than with the actual pandemic. I’m not a person who suffers from chronic depression. I’m fortunate my brain chemicals seem to work, for the most part, they way they’re supposed to. However, I do get depressed from time to time or, in the case of a pandemic, for months on end.

I knew I had been pretty deep down in the muck most of the time since Thanksgiving. The holidays without my family did a number on me. Going four and a half weeks without human contact also did a number on me. I never actively wanted to hurt myself, but there were times where I thought dying wouldn’t be the worst thing.

Those of you who read along knew how miserable I was.

For some reason last night in bed the funk finally lifted. Maybe it was getting the first shot. Maybe a side effect of Moderna is the lightening of a heavy heart. Maybe my brain finally got bored with being fucking miserable all the time and decided to give my usual bittersweetheart cranky jadedness a shot. Whatever it was I woke up this morning feeling like Jodi again. It’s fucking delightful. I’m afraid that by telling you about it I’m jinxing it and tomorrow my old pal misery will be back with extra baggage. I fucking hope not.

Just in case this is a one-night stand, I decided to enjoy today doing things I love. I had coffee and donuts. I finished The Art of Memoir. I spent literally hours listening to music and doing nothing else. I researched watering cans and vintage, wind-up alarm clocks. I took care of the Bleakness Boogaloo and ate a salad while watching Top Chef. After I finish this I’m gonna have some cake and watch Joshua Jackson look pensive and attractive in “The Affair.” Later I will start reading Women and Other Monsters, practice, and sleep the sleep of so content it’s a little weird.

It was very much a nothing day of nothingness and yet it felt like a really big deal.

Let’s hope this is the start of an upward trend,
Jodi

 
*I did end up turning on Frightened Rabbit because my brain really does not know how to shut the fuck up. At all. Ever.

 
**Yeah, I refer to myself as we when I talk to myself and I have no idea why.