Nearly Crushed Under the Weight of My Own Hypocrisy

Hi Darling Ones,

Even though I present myself here as a flawless Spinster Goddess comprised of warm soup, soft breasts, and sparkles, I do have. few flaws. Amongst them is procrastination and impatience. Oh, and hypocrisy.

Yesterday my mom texted me while I was making lunch (breakfast burritos, if you must know). After I was done chopping, sautéing, seasoning, scrambling, and shaping my burritos, I noticed her text. She wanted to know if she could come over because she needed me to do something with her phone.

I decided to eat my lunch and then deal with her. No such luck, Darling Ones, she called sixteen minutes after her text because I hadn’t responded and she wanted to make sure everything was okay. I resisted lecturing her, though I was a little huffy when I shouted into the phone, “I WAS MAKING LUNCH!”

This is no exaggeration when I saw my mom has been to my house just about every three or so days since my vaccine went into effect. While I love my mom, I am also annoyed by this dropping everything to do what she needs.

When I was a child my mom was the ultimate procrastinator. Couple this with her frequent forgetfulness and you can see why I had a lot of anxiety growing up. She forgot or procrastinated on everything that was important to an elementary-school aged kid — lunch money, signing permission slips, school supplies, field trips, class plays, when you needed new gym shoes, all the things. My stomach hurts all over again thinking about it. When I was in high school she forget to send in the check that would reserve my space in the freshman class, which is why I had to take a semester off before college. She also never told me this until I figured it out on my own.

I gots some mom issues and they’ve all been rearing their ugly heads lately.

Like me, my mom is also impatient and now that she’s not in charge of children she’s also forgotten how to procrastinate. Now she’s all about get it done right now. How about now? NOW! Which is all fine and dandy, because I get like that too when it comes to some things. But, boy howdy, am I resentful when the NOW involves me and has to be done on her timeline.

So yesterday’s urgent task that could not even wait until I was done with lunch was unsubscribing her from Apple TV, which she accidentally subscribed to on her shitty Apple TV remote. This whole ordeal made me crabbier than I already was and wasn’t helped by the fact that I had to change my clothes before she got here. My mom is also a fat-shamer who believes thin people are morally superior.

Because it was ass-tastic outside yesterday I was scantily-clad in the hope of not owing $582 to the electric company for copious use of the air conditioning. Yep. I am forty-nine years old and I’m afraid of being fat-shamed by my own mom.

Since I am a good daughter, I fixed all her iPhone problems and didn’t lecture her at all about being intrusive or impatient. I wanted to, but I also didn’t want to be smushed under the weight of my own hypocrisy.

When I started this letter my plan was to write about how awfulmazing it is when you procrastinate hard on a project and then complete it easily with much time to spare. I feel like maybe I should not be rewarded for this behavior and yet, all the rewards keep coming my way.

Like mother, like daughter,
Jodi

P.S. the picture above is what my amazing dining room chandelier looks like when you’re sitting at the table.

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