Hi Darling Ones,
I do not like the flower Bird of Paradise. In fact, I kinda hate it. Seeing one gives me hatey-feelings in my heart and makes me want to spit. I did not realize my distaste for this fart-face flower until I saw that LEGO is releasing a Bird of Paradise building kit.
The strength of my reaction to this news surprised me a little bit. I tend to love green, growing things. I stand over my Sadness Garden and shout “I LOVE YOU!” to it every day.
I especially love flowers and for many years campaigned heavily to get flowers for my birthday. BFK is still bitter that she got me flowers for my 28th birthday because she didn’t think I’d get any and she didn’t want me to be disappointed. She’s a good friend even though she underestimated my ability to charm the guys in tech support into buying me flowers (they got me birthday flowers for years).
On my 30th birthday I got 30 bouquets because I’m relentless and very good at marketing. In fact, I think I got flowers for my birthday nearly every year from about 28 – 40. After I turned 40 I stopped making a big deal out of my birthday because it really was a lot of work.
I have a lot of feelings about flowers. Lilies are the best. Lilacs are a close second. Roses are stinky and overrated. Daisies are an utter delight, so are frangipani. Carnations are only great in massive quantities. Marigolds are highly underrated. Bird of Paradise are awful and duplicitous because they look more like a bird than a flower. Also, they remind me of a man I dated a long time ago who was not very kind and cheated on me before he had the courage to break up with me. Whenever he would pull a dick move he’d send me flowers. With each dick move the arrangement got bigger and bigger, finally culminating in a monstrosity that featured Bird of Paradise. Boo. Hiss. Incidentally, he was the same dude who hated this website because he said it read like a giant personal ad. As if I can help how fucking charming I am. Geez.
P.S. if you’re wondering what to get for my birthday which is in 34 days, the DJ Unicorn beatbox.