i’ve been completely enamoured with Jane magazine since it debuted like in 1997. it really isn’t your cheezy, typical woman’s magazine at all. really, it’s not. you know how cosmo and glamour are like seventeen and ym for older girls? jane’s not like that at all. not at all!

so a couple months ago i am flipping through Jane and reading this instruction manual/user’s guide for the penis. it’s a fucking riot. laugh out loud funny, really. so i flip back to the begining of said article to see who had written it.

Jeff Johnson.

nooooooo, i think to myself. it can’t be THE jeff johson. not meathead, not the deadline missing favorite practical joke victim. it can’t be johnson. not MY jeff johnson.

so i read a few more things by this jeff johnson character. i was pretty sure it was the same guy. the writing style was the same. i had read enough of johnson’s stuff to be able to pick him out. but, you know. . . jeff johnson? could his name be more common? there very well could have been 386 writers named jeff johnson.

hell, in the tiny burg of eau claire there were two, semi well-known jeff johnsons. i had to deal with both of them on occassion, it was rather confusing when a third party mentioned jeff johnson and i had no clue who they were talking about.

so yeah, i was perusing Jane online because i often forget to pick up the magazine when i am at target. i think the last magazine i was subscribed to was Might, and we all know what happened to Might. clicking through Jane i decide to put my weary mind to rest. ha! meet the Jane staff. just the link i was looking for.

there he is. meathead, way a the bottom. a wretched picture of him. really he’s a cutie (and about 6’4″ too!). oh boy did i have a crush on him. i was like a fourth grade-boy when he came around. doing all sorts of mean and nasty stuff, just because i liked him. amy skal and i played about the best practical joke of all time on poor unsuspecting johnson.

every tuesday and thursday for about 3 months skal and i would lunch at burger king (yeah, yeah it was on campus). we’d get our extra value meals and then go hide in some dark corner of davies center. there we would take out the greeting card one of us had purchased at the book store and write all sorts of silly things to johnson. then we’d mail the card. god, we thought we were so funny.

johnson suspected me right away. it wigged him out. but skal talked him out of it, so then he really got nervous. we kept this up for a long time. neither of us cracked. finally we had my sister call him at the hole-in-the-wall video store he worked at. she told him to meet her at certain bar at midnight.

skal and i were in the upper balcony spying on the door. hoo-boy this was gonna be good. but johnson never showed. he sent his buddies, brad and bundy to do the dirty work. to check out the scene. when they didn’t find anything suspicious, they headed to another bar a block away. skal and i hightailed it outta there to get the scoop.

“dude, there was a totally naked chick waiting on the bar for you,” they told him. johnson was not pleased. he wanted to know what she looked like. he asked about a bazillon questions and finally the boys cracked, telling him nobody was there.

we couldn’t stand it anymore. skal spilled her guts, “it’s us, it’s us!” he was dumbfounded. he didn’t believe it. couldn’t, wouldn’t believe it. we had to quote some of the things we had written to get it through to him. oh, was he pissed. pissed!

eventually he cooled off and saw the absolute hilariousity of the whole thing. he was even a bit impressed that i kept it a secret so long. of course he got his own revenge. yeah, he got the ultimate revenge. he writes for Jane and i have a crummy job working for a software company.

and even though the envy is burning in my belly. even though i am anxious and wondering what the hell i am going to do with my own life. even though i am so jealous i could puke on my own shoes. . . i can’t think of a more talented guy who deserves the job.

i am so impressed.