Hi Darling Ones,
If I were a different kind of person I’d post that picture of Phyllis (above) with that quote by Anaïs Nin in a scripty font and then talk about whatever I made in my Instant Pot and how I can’t wait for it to be wine o’clock.
Even when I’m sad like I am today, I’m super happy that I’m not that person. Self-help/positive aphorisms make me want to rage barf. If I accidentally read anything in the wine mom font I get anger hives.
Because I’m the person I am, I googled “How to stop thinking about someone.” It was not helpful. I already did most of those things and yet I’ve spent most of the day walloped by the sadness I did such a good job outrunning yesterday. Last night I spent a lot of time talking on the phone with my friend EM who listened to me growl and bellyache and encouraged me not to do the things I wanted to do, namely get shit-faced drunk and download a bunch of dating apps.
“What do you expect to happen if you download a bunch of dating apps?” she asked.
“I WILL FIND LOVE!” I shouted.
“Oh,” she said.
Then we had a short game of laughter chicken. She hesitated because she didn’t know if I was joking or not and I waited because I wanted to see how long it took her to figure out I was kidding. It was about 15 seconds.
Today the sadness & loneliness is so overwhelming I had to go all the way back to The Gear Daddies’ “Let’s Go Scare Al” record to try to make myself feel better. I wanted so desperately to listen to this record that isn’t on Spotify I had to dig out the mp3s like it was 2003 and play it on whatever app replaced the hot bag of garbage that was iTunes. I was prepared to go in search of the actual, factual, physical CD that I think is hidden in the bottom of the bookcase my grandpa gave me.
Listening to this record on repeat has kept me from collapsing on the couch in a puddle of tears.
The Gear Daddies is the one band that me and all my sisters like. There’s not a ton of overlap where music is concerned, with Sister #2 and I sharing the most. The Gear Daddies were also the one band the entire newspaper staff liked back in school, which means we listened to them a lot just to keep the peace.
I turned to this record specifically because “Boys Will Be Boys” was one of those songs we played on jukeboxes endlessly in college. My friends and I identified all too well with the lyrics of the song. From Well, boys will be boys and they’ll always be jerks, And from what she’s seen this is how things work to she’s fucked again and she don’t know why we loved this song. It’s not exactly poetry, but as drunken, heartbroken twenty-somethings, we thought it was profound.
Darling Ones, I can’t tell if I’m more tired of being sad or of writing about being sad. I’ve worn out my sadness welcome and I’m boring everyone to death. I feel like everyone is avoiding me because I’m a giant fucking bummer and who wants that from someone who is already kind of annoying and a lot to take on a regular day much less now?
Hopefully I’ll be fine in awhile, who fucking knows anymore?