The COVID Diaries: Everything is Killing Me

Hello Darling Ones,

There are days where the unending monotony of this pandemic drives me to despair. There are days where I think over and over, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this. I might die. Am I going mad? I can’t do this anymore. The boredom is killing me. The anxiety is killing me. Everything is killing me.

My plan was to come here today and write jokes or say something funny. I thought about maybe making a list of the Top 5 Things Dudes Do That Are Super Attractive. Or I was gonna write something poignant. I have ideas. So many ideas. I wrote a long list in my planner last week, but I can’t even fake it today. I’m Sarah Lynn from “BoJack Horseman.” Today, the light inside of me is dying.

I’m tired and angry and so fucking bored* that I want to gnaw off my own hands just for something to do.

When I get into this kind of despair cycle the rational part of my brain tells me that this is temporary. I know I will wake up tomorrow and feel some other kind of thing. Tomorrow will be a day where my mom is not rushed to the hospital at 4 a.m. after my dad called 911 because she thought she was having a heart attack. Tomorrow will maybe be a day where I wake up refreshed after sleeping well. Tomorrow I won’t have to hear the crack in my Dad’s voice when he says, “I was scared. We have friends who died in the middle of the night.” Tomorrow might be a day where I have the energy and emotional capacity to write something good. Tomorrow might be a day where I don’t intellectualize my feelings in an attempt to show everyone that I am okay and instead feel them.

Today was pretty rough, Darling Ones. My mom is back home and doing well. I talked to her and she sounded good. So that is a relief, but I’m still an exhausted emotional anxious and bored wreck.

Tomorrow might be a better day,
Jodi

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