The COVID Diaries: I Saw a White Squirrel Today

Hi Darling Ones,

Remember how I vaguely mentioned a thing that’s weighing heavy on my mind? It was resolved today and it didn’t go our way. I’m devastated and my heart hurts. I wish I could say more, but as I mentioned this is not my story to tell. I will say I want to burn some people and institutions to the ground. 2020 is gonna be a motherfucker right to the very end, isn’t it?

On top of all this, I had an emotional accident last night and I’m still a little shaky.

You see, my nephew and I are working on this pretty intense video editing project. He’s doing the video editing and I’m doing the project managing. Neither of these things are my forte and I have little patience for it. However, it’s for a much adored client and as I told her, I value our working relationship so much that I don’t mind moving the occasional mountain.

Because we’re working with massive video files Gladys, my laptop, kept giving me all these alarming you’re running out of space errors. So I was like, “FINE, GLADYS! I will clear up some space you prissy little bitch.”

When she directed me to a bunch of very large files, what I found was an emotional landmine that exploded into my heart. It seems that buried deep in Gladys’ catacombs are every image and video the ex sent me via text. I did not know they were lurking in the bowels of my laptop waiting to jump out and scare me.

Granted, I found some utterly delightful things that I had forgotten about, like that time Wolfdogg sang with Lydia Loveless at someone’s backyard barbecue. However, it was mostly painful reminder after painful reminder of my latest romantic catastrophe. It’s really fucking hard.

There’s a part of me that wants to reach out with the I miss yous and let’s try agains. I have to keep reminding myself that it was my choice to end the relationship because my emotional needs were not being met and chances are nothing has changed. Then I get equal parts mad and sad because I ask for so very little from romantic partners. All I ask is for someone to listen to my fun facts, tell me about their new favorite song, ask me what I think of the book I’m reading, and occasionally makeout with me. WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR MEN TO DO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

So, anyway, I saw a white squirrel in my yard today. He or she was eating from the bird feeder Maxwell hung in my tree this summer. I jumped off the couch and threw open the door to get a picture, frightening the little guy. He took off down the street, but I still managed to get a couple shots of him.

This is probably a good omen, right?


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