Day 161 of 200: New Year’s Resolutions for the Internet

  • Nobody over the age of 12 will post picks of themselves using one of those big-eyed, rosy-cheeked, animal-earred or the like Snapchat filters. Nobody is amused or thinking “ohhh, cute.”
  • Also, in the same vein, you need to stop with the excessive filtering of your selfies. I’ve seen you with my eyes, you don’t have skin like a cloudy Barbie doll.
  • Quit telling people they are paying attention to the wrong thing. We can’t pay attention to everything.
  • Also, and this is one I try to adhere to but frequently fail at, make your motto “I can go ahead and shut the fuck up.”
  • Recognize that people have the capacity to be outraged at the daily atrocities barfed by Cheeto in Chief or any “leader” of these garbage states of America and love watching “Riverdale.” The human heart is expansive. It contains multitudes.
  • You will honor people’s preferred pronouns and not be total dickbags when you are corrected. It’s okay to say “sorry, thanks for correcting me.” (You are also free to apply this one if someone points out you’ve said something racist/sexist/homophobic)
  • At all times you will conduct yourselves in a manner that I find witty, amusing, intriguing, or interesting.
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