Hi Darling Ones,

Happy Excuse to Listen to Liz Phair’s “Whip-Smart” Because of the Song “Cinco de Mayo” Day to all those who celebrate.

To be fair, I never need an excuse to listen to Liz Phair. According to Last.fm she’s my #1 most-played artist since 2017.

This has nothing to do with anything. I just can’t resist a fun fact.

What I wanted to tell you about what meeting with my doctor and my creeping anxiety.

She’s not technically a doctor. She’s a Nurse Practitioner. Titles are dumb. Have I mentioned before how much I adore working with her? I wish I had met any sort of to healthcare professional like her before I was 51. My life would be so different if I ever had a doctor before who listened to me and didn’t automatically decide the cure to what ails me is losing weight.

So we had a discussion about growing anxiety and my spiral thinking. That’s what I call it when my brain gets stuck on a thing and I think and think and think and think and think about it. I get stuck in an ever more constricting train of thought that serves no purpose other than scaring me or making me feel bad or angry or whatever emotion feels apt for the situation.

Lately, I have a lot discussions with BFK in my head. I ask her how she could end our friendship by ghosting me. I apologize to her since the ball was probably in my court, but I never found the emotional space to start the difficult conversation. I tell her how maybe I was not as delicate as I could have been back when we talked in August with Sister #2. Then I remind her how in August I was 1 months in from a cancer scare, 5 months into stroke recovery, and 11 months from my dad’s death. I was not at the top of my game.

I also worry a lot about asking my family for help with everything and try to think of ways I can be more self-sufficient and show more gratitude.

My anxiety has probably been increasing since the ER trip in February when I thought I was having another stroke.

The plan is to ramp up the Lexapro and hope it helps without robbing me of all emotion. Since it works so nicely the last time I’m optimistic it’ll be great this time too. I’m really eager if it will alleviate all the anxiety I have about walking and falling. I know some of that feeling is due to brain damage, but I’m positive some of it is also anxiety.

Basically, Darling Ones, I want to walk again without a walker. I told my physical therapist my goal was to do that by the end of the year.

Walking is my new panacea. I get that down and everything will be magically better.

Before I go, I want to tell you the best part of my discussion with the doc.

I told her I worried that I was sleeping too much and maybe it was a problem.

She asked me what time I get up (between 10:30 and noon), when I go to sleep (between midnight and 2), and whether I needed to nap during the day (“I don’t get up until noon. I don’t have time to nap.”)

Then she said words I need to tattoo on my body, “Give yourself a little grace.”

She pointed out that I’m not sleeping all that much, and my body is going through some traumatic stuff. She said I need rest.

“I feel like a dirty teenager who can’t get out of bed before noon,” I said.

She didn’t roll her eyes, but I think she wanted to.

Ungracefully yours,
Jodi