Hi Darling Ones,
Spotify just tried to play Gwen Stefani. Out loud. Where my ears could hear it.
Not now, Spotify. I am not in the mood for such shenanigans.
To be fair, I’m not in the mood for any shenanigans. I’m cranky and out of sorts with a viscous case of the Fuck All Y’alls. This is par for the course as January turns into February. It’s hard to discern what is usual seasonal crankiness and stroke-related. . .ennui? angst? grief?
As the year anniversary of my stroke creeps ever closer (March 6th, mark your calendars, I expect gifts and acknowledgments) I’m working on two things. Well, two things other than regaining my balance and walking without a walker.
ONE. I’m trying to come to grips with this being as good as I get. I might never walk unassisted. I might never be able to stand for more than 90 seconds without my brain panicking sure I’m about to plummet to the ground. This sounds much less scary than it is. The panic hits fast bringing with it some shakiness and racing heart. It sucks.
TWO. I’m trying to remember who I am outside of recovering stroke patient.
My friend, EM, reminded me that personality-wise Before-Jodi is pretty close to After-Jodi.
UGH, I thought. I’ve always been this self-centered bummer who can only think about how she had a fucking stroke?
This is not true. Before-Jodi was a self-centered bummer who only thought about sex, books, and rock & roll. She was way better than After-Jodi.
At least I like to believe she was, but only because February looms. I don’t really remember her very clearly anymore. The stroke + the Lexapro has made the actual memory of Before-Jodi kinda fuzzy.
One thing I for sure know about the Before-Jodi is that at the turn of the century she spent a week sucking down Marlboro Ultra Lights with a Diet Coke chaser while building many iterations of iwilldare.com.
After-Jodi did the same thing last week. Instead of Marbs, I ate 6 million pistachios (for real, my addiction is bad) and chased them with water. It’s nearly the same thing, right?
I did a bunch of nerdy server re-organization on the domains I host and nuked iwilldare.com’s database and started from scratch. If I did all that nerdery right you shouldn’t notice anything but the new look.
It was nice to remind myself that I still know how to do things. Now maybe I’ll remind myself that I can write about things other than my dumb stroke.
Maybe,
Jodi