My Homicidal Hands

Hi Darling Ones,

Does anyone remember the Great Fungus Gnat Infestation of 2012? That’s when those little bastards killed my herb garden and also my desire to have an herb garden. There was also a small Fungus Gnat Revival of 2021.

Now I’m in the midst of what can only be described as the Gnat Resurrection of 2022.

I don’t know where these tiny fuckers are coming from. For the last week or so I’ve had one gnat dive-bombing me during my morning routine. It was just one and I couldn’t tell if I had one really resilient motherfucker on my hands or if a new gnat was finding its way to my corner on the couch every morning.

Of course, I immediately blamed the Sadness Garden because they were the most obvious suspects. I shoved a few of those sticky-tape stakes into some of the plants and so far they have trapped exactly one gnat. And yet I still got gnats.

Today there are a lot of gnats. I’ve managed to kill two three with my bare hands and there are at least three more flying about.

I can’t figure out where they’re coming from. Part of me fears they’ve found the Atomic Fireball that fell out of my mouth and rolled away to spot I cannot find. Another part of me fears they’re coming from inside me. The gnats seems to appear wherever I am, so this makes absolute perfect sense.

This afternoon I put a small jar of red wine vinegar mixed with sugar, water, and dishsoap on the window ledge next to me. So far it has been as effective as the sticky traps, and half 1/3 as effective as my own homicidal hands (I just slaughtered another one my slapping my own chest).

I will keep you posted as this story develops. Or I won’t. Maybe life will get exciting.

This weekend has been kind of a dud as far as exciting media consumption or thoughts go. I read a boring novel that had two different characters in two different chapters use the word “unctuousness” to describe the color black in a painting and I’m kinda annoyed with myself for finishing the book.

I was supposed to watch The Bear on Hulu, but instead continued to chug down episodes of Top Chef because I’ve only got 1.5 seasons left and I have a one-track mind.

This weekend has been such a thoughtless dud that last night I dreamt I attended a Hell, Inc. company meeting, a company I have not worked at since 2008. The last company meeting I attended was in November 2007 when they announced they were closing the office and laying most of us off.

One good thing about this weekend? On Thursday I made chile verde and have been eating what are, without a doubt, the best tacos I have ever made I my entire life. These tacos are so good that I had them for dinner on Thursday and Friday and Saturday and I plan on having them again for dinner tonight and I’m not even sick of them. These tacos are so good that I never want to make another meal again because everything I cook will pale in comparison.

Your favorite thoughtless dud,

P.S. As you can see above I am still obsessed with the teeny flowers Hugh, the tradescantia, keeps kicking out. I take a picture of every single one because it is glorious and amazing.

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