Things I Said to My Cat Yesterday

Hey Darling Ones,

This is a list of things I said out loud to Wendell, my cat, yesterday.

  • Good morning.
  • She woke from a dream. Her head was on fire. Why was he so nervous?
  • Stop that.
  • Knock it off.
  • You’re the best cat I ever met. People ask me all the time, “How did Wendell get to be such a good cat?” And I tell them, “I don’t know. I think he was born that way.”
  • Hey, Lloyd, I’m ready to be heartbroken because I can’t see further than my own nose at this moment.
  • Good stretch.
  • Get off my leg I need to pee. No off. Get off. Oh my god you are ridiculous.
  • Why you gotta be up in my business?
  • Get off the table.
  • Get down.
  • That what you fear the most could meet you halfway. That what you fear the most could meet you halfway.
  • You know I’m such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger?
  • I’m starvation nation.
  • Eating dinner at five is sad.
  • Mark Brendanawicz suhhhhucks.
  • Stop burying my dirty dishes. Rude.
  • That’s the Mare of Easttown.
  • Oh. That’s Roy from The Office, I bet he did it.
  • I bet the priest did it.
  • I bet the dad did it.
  • I am really very lonely and I don’t know what to do about it because I hate going places and doing things but also hate that a cat is my only companion.
  • Oh. That’s that guy that Michael spanked on The Office
  • I should watch The Office again.

You’ll be happy to know, Darling Ones, that I did not have a dream last night about being kidnapped. However, I slept so poorly I had no dreams about anything.

I bet the deacon did it,

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