The COVID Diaries: In My Opinionation

Hi Darling Ones,

There’s still a whirlpool going around in my head, but instead of all the sad garbage it’s the book The Witch’s Heart and the ridiculous amount I am relating to it even though I’m a modern giant and not like an ancient, old-timey Norse Ironwood Witch giant. I’m doing my best to ration the book so I can think a little about it instead of gobbling it up in one greedy gulp like I do all the other books.

So instead of taxing my pre-occupied braincells, I’m gonna kick it old school with a random list of things that ARE THE BEST and if you disagree you are wrong, the wrongest wronger down in wrongville who did not love truth at all. This list is inspired by the 90s sitcom Blossom which I recently discovered on Hulu and watch all the time now as though my life depended on it.

These Things Are Better Than Other Things in the Same Category

Rolling Stones Song: Dead Flowers
Coffee Creamer: Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Peanut Butter: Skippy Natural (Creamy)
Wakefield Twin: Elizabeth
Gin Blossoms Song: Lost Horizons
Member of the Soul Squad: Chidi Anagonye
Fictional Aunt: (tie) Aunt Jackie from Roseanne & Aunt Meg from Twister
Side One, Track One: I Will Dare from Let it Be
Beatles Song: I’ll Follow the Sun
Pizza Toppings: Sausage, Onion & Jalapeno
Smell: Lilacs
Month: October
Death Cab for Cutie Song: I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Greek God: Hermes
Matt Dillon Movie: Grace of My Heart
Bread: Seeded Rye
Underpants: Tomboy X Boyshorts
Condiment: Barbecue Sauce
New Pornographers Song: Letter From an Occupant
Candybar: Snickers
Notebook: Miliko A5 Size Kraft Paper Hardcover Dot Grid Wirebound
John Irving Book: A Prayer for Owen Meany
Coffee Cup: The brown one with the chip in the perfect position for my thumb
Funko Pop: Morton Salt Girl
Episode of Bob’s Burgers: The Silence of the Louise
Side of the Bed: Left (right if you’re standing at the foot of the bed facing the head of the bed)
Problematic Dead President: James Madison
Employee of Dunder Mifflin: Phyllis Vance
Flower: Tiger Lily
Neko Case Song: I Wish I Was the Moon
Donut: Old Fashioned (plain, no frosting, no glaze, just pure donutty goodness)
Thing I Own: Signed copy of Cat’s Cradle
Cologne: Safari for Men by Ralph Lauren
Cereal: (tie) Trix & Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch
Potato Chip (flavor): Barbecue
Potato Chip (brand): Old Dutch
Big Star Song: The Ballad of El Goodo
Episode of Dawson’s Creek: Junior Prom
Crochet Hook: I/9 5.50mm
Disney Princess: Merida
Soup: Thai Red Curry Chicken Noodle
Perfume: Aerin Lilac Path
Raymond Carver Short Story: Why Don’t You Dance
Number: 6
Novel: The Giant’s House
Liz Phair Song: Supernova
Pasta Shape: Penne
Greaser: Ponyboy Curtis
M&M: Pretzel
Kitchen Appliance: Crockpot
Lotion: Johnson’s Bedtime Baby Lotion
Superhero: Superman
Hot Sauce: Tapatio
Constellation: Orion
Belle & Sebastian Song: Sukie in the Graveyard
Fictional Sidekick: Cameron Frye
Cartoon Animal: Underdog
Breakfast Food: French Toast
App on My Phone: Libby
Jellybean: Starburst Tropical Fruit


DISCLAIMER: These bests are subject to change without notice and based solely on the whims of the day. Unfortunately, nobody paid me for any placement on this list. I am not opposed to being bought off like that because I’ve worked a total of 45 minutes so far this month and I’m beginning to lose my mind a little bit.

Serving you up the hottest of takes,

P.S. I have an interview for a potential gig this week so keep your fingers crossed that it goes well for me.

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