The COVID Diaries: Top 5 Things Dudes Do That Are Super Attractive (to me, specifically)

What’s up, Darling Ones?

I was thinking about which of Rob Gordon’s all time, top five most memorable breakup girls I’d be, if I were one of them. This is the kind of question I spend a lot of time pondering because pop culture is the air that I breathe. This question in particular gets me right in the sweet spot because I love to make Top 5 lists and I also like to think about what fictional character I would be from any movie or TV show or book I love. My family plays this game a lot. Some of my friends indulge me too.

In case you are curious, a few of the fictional characters I am: Elizabeth Wakefield, Beezus Quimby, Phylis Vance, Jackie Harris, Peggy Olson, Tina Belcher, Cameron from “Ferris Bueller,” and Jo March.

When it comes to Rob’s ex-girlfriends I’m probably Penny Hardwick with a Sarah Kendrew rising. I’d rather be a Penny Hardwick with a Charlie Nicholson rising, but I’m too smart and not sexy enough.

This all popped into my head one morning when a friend sent me a picture of John Cusack in headphones and I was all fuck, dudes in headphones really do it for me. You can see how the topic spiraled from there.

So I present to you The Top 5 Things Dudes Do That Are Super Attractive (to me, specifically).

1. Wear Glasses & Read a Book
Men who read are sexy. I’m with John Waters in that you should not fuck people who do not have books. For real, reading books makes all men at least 36% sexier then men who do not read books. A book can easily turn a three into a seven. This is just math, people.

2. Argue With Me in a Manner I Find Amusing/Entertaining/Challenging and Not Condescending or Annoying
I never said these were gonna be easy. I love to argue. I’m a person who dies on all the hills. I will spend my very last breath proving that Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch is the best of all possible Cap’n Crunches. But I’m also a woman who has been alive on this planet for 48 years and have had my fair share of arguments with dudes who think their penis grants them some kind of extra insight or intelligence. I, a woman with a 20-year-old blog, recently had the difference between writing and blogging mansplained to me. . . . so this one is dangerous and that’s what I like.

3. Talk Music/Books With Me While Also Recognizing My Excellent Taste in Music/Books
This one also fraught for the dudes. I’ve covered this before.

4. Like Cats
Again, this is a mystery of the universe. A dude who likes cats is roughly 28.5% hotter than dude who likes his dog. Maybe there’s some sort of secure in his masculinity thing going on here. I’m not entirely sure.

5. Play the Guitar
I’m not a cliche. You’re a cliche. Shut up.

I could easily do the top five hundred things dudes do that are super unattractive to me, but I don’t wanna do that right now. I want to eat a frozen pizza and watch Reality Bites.


P.S. The light inside me hasn’t died yet, though I am still trying to shuck the sadness of yesterday. Insomnia is back in my life fucking everything up, which isn’t helping matters.

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