Hi Darling Ones,
I’m struggling today. It’s alternately pissing me off and leaving me flat on my back staring up the ceiling fan while tears stream from my eyes.
First of all, today is Sister #3’s birthday and apparently it’s making me feel some things. Don’t worry, I wont got into it again.
Second of all, it’s been eight days since I’ve seen another human and I can’t help but wonder what kind of broken-down monster I am for that to be a thing that happens in my life.*
Third of all, I did all the fucking things that were to keep me from ending the day flat on my back staring up at the ceiling fan crying and I’m a little pissed that none of it worked.
I got eight hours of sleep (not consecutive, but consecutive enough). I exercised. I fed my body when it was hungry (which is something I’ve been so bad at for the past three month I worried a little I was working my way into an eating disorder). I did work that was rewarding and worth doing (1724 words in The Beast, and let me tell you I had to kill a couple of darlings and it was not easy). I contemplated making “I Want to Hold Your Hand” my favorite song by The Beatles. I listened to “At My Most Beautiful” by R.E.M. six times because listening to it makes me grin like a goof with a crush even though I have no one to crush on. I am taking applications if you’re in the market for being a crush object.
As a bonus, I was creatively affirmed by numerous people on Instagram. And not just randos, people I love and admire. Oh! And I even spent some time appreciating the way the sun was shining on the Sadness Garden this afternoon while listening to “Cannonball” by Damien Rice.
ALL OF THIS AND I AM STILL SAD. What a total fucking ripoff.
Because it made my heart feel a teeny tiny bit lighter I’m gonna go listen to “Commie Drives a Nova” & “Hip Hop Thighs #17” by Ike Reilly on repeat while I prepare a frozen pizza for dinner. I’m too sad to make actual food.
*Yes, I recognize these are extraordinary circumstances and were we not in the middle of a pandemic this probably wouldn’t have happened. I don’t need your logic here. I need you to pat my head and say, “Oh, it is so bad. You’re so brave.” And then I will yell at you to stop being condescending. Also, the youth are coming for dinner on Wednesday so I don’t lose my entire mind.