The COVID Diaries: I Think This Makes Me an Influencer

Darling Ones,

Sometimes when I start these letters I feel like I need to confess.

Forgive me Darling Ones, for I have sinned. I did not write as much as I could have because I spent most of my time wiggling to Ike Reilly’s “Salesmen & Racists” record numerous times in a row. In fact, the only reason I turned it off is because I just learned today was Katie Crutchfield’s birthday and now I have to listen to “Saint Cloud” because of course.

Then I spent too much time finishing a truly terrible mystery. By the time I got to the writing I had a wretched headache which made it hard to think and when I got to the big red note that said, “MAKE THIS BETTER” I quit. Also my headache is making my stomach ache. I might be dying, which would suck because I got one step closer to my ultimate dream.

Anyway, onto the really important news of the day. It seems as though the people who speak for the trees heard I was horny for trees and sent me a very important survey to ask me about my very important tree opinions.

I never really considered myself the social media influencer type. I’ve been trying for twenty-fucking-years to get in on that sweet, sweet Nutter Butter advertising revenue and Nabisco continues to ignore me. Do they even have a Nutter Butter spokesperson? NO! God.

Of all the things to be influential about, would I have chosen trees? Maybe. I do have an affinity for them. In 9th grade I wrote a really shitty myth about how tall people got to turn into trees once they were done dealing with being tall humans on earth. It was like a reward. Being a 6’2″ ninth grader was rough. Obviously.

In college, my roommate F.R. Chicken and I would smoke cigarettes in her Camry while we drove to the outskirts of town to see her tree. She loved that tree and I loved her for it.

So I dig trees. I’m happy to influence them.

They asked me some pretty hard-hitting questions including “Do you like trees?” and “Are trees important?”

Was this whole survey a ruse to get me to donate to their organization? Yes. Did I fall for it? Also yes. Allegedly by donating I’m getting a bunch of free gifts that include ten fast-growing spruce trees and two lilac bushes.

Y’all remember that lilac bushes are part of the ultimate dream, right? The dream where I live in St. Peter, MN or an equally adorable small town with my romantic partner who is a cowboy or, more likely, who I call cowboy because real cowboys give me Republican vibes and I cannot fuck a Republican. It has to be a cowboy because of the song “Cowboy Take Me Away.” Anyway I live in a house across the street from the library and I have a fabulous porch and a rocking chair and lilac bushes next to the porch and I spend a lot of time drinking lemonade and judging all the book choices of the people coming out the library. Maybe I offer suggestions to the people who go in. It would be nice if the cowboy could maybe play the fiddle all Pa Ingalls like and make a really mean breakfast quesadilla, but I don’t want to get greedy.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to be happy with Supergenius HQ which lacks a porch but at least maybe the bedroom will have ten fast-growing spruce trees at some point.

Influentially yours,

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