The COVID Diaries: Vincent Adultman & Time Soup

Guess what, Darling Ones?

Last night Yesterday, I accidentally ate dinner at 5 p.m. I was distraught when I came out to the couch after eating putting away the dishes and realizing it was 5:16 p.m. I thought for sure it was nearly seven and time for Supermarket Sweep.

A few weeks ago, my friend EM referred to time in 2020 as Time Soup. It’s a mishmashed jumble of days, hours, months, that don’t follow any sort of chronological order or internal logic. I’ve been swimming in Time Soup all day. Around three this afternoon a client informed me that tomorrow is not Friday. And I was like, “I’m a little lost, but fair enough.”

By my count it has been Monday for 88 hours, and I’m not just saying that because I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. last night and woke up at 7 this morning. I couldn’t get back to sleep either, because as soon as I opened my eyes I was convinced I was going to oversleep for my meetings.

I had two meetings today, Darling Ones. TWO!

This was exciting because for the most part I haven’t worked more than six or seven hours a week since August. That’s for the entire week. Not like six hours in a day. In a week. I only billed $850 last month. It has been brutal. If it wasn’t for my ridiculously cheap mortgage and qualifying for partial unemployment I’d be so fucked. Like the fuckedest. It sounds so stupid to say it, but being solely responsible for supporting yourself is nerve-wracking. Supporting yourself while self-employed is extra nerve-wracking. Frankly, I’m not entire sure how I make this all work and I try not to think about it too much.

Anyway, so I had two meetings today and I was unsure if I remembered how to businessperson or talk to a human without using the word fuck in every other sentence. I felt a little like Vincent Adultman from BoJack Horseman. You know, the three kids in a business coat who date Princess Carolyn? Do you watch BoJack Horseman? It’s one of my favorites. It’s on my rotation of shows that I watch all the time for comfort. This roster also includes: The Office, Parks & Rec, Bob’s Burgers, The Good Place, and Dawson’s Creek. If you ever need a soliloquy or witty quip from one of those shows, I’m your woman.

So yeah, I Adultmanned like a motherfucker through those meetings, and it wasn’t easy. First of all, I was inappropriately attracted to one of the men I was meeting with for reasons I cannot explain. It was inappropriate because he was much younger than I am and also because work. Ugh, I feel a little gross confessing that, but he was cute!

It was also difficult because my hair is at the perma-bedhead stage of growing out and seeing myself on the video call was distracting. The whole time I wasn’t being inappropriately attracted I just wanted to examine my hair and all it’s gravity and geometry-defying feats of wonder.

So yeah. I adulted. I got a small project that will give me something to do a few hours a week and I saw a cute guy, which isn’t as good as seeing cute dog, but it’s what I got today.

Time to make the dinner,

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