Hey Darling Ones,
On one hand, the idea of a human being having a brand kind of makes me want to barf. We are not corporate entities who exist to make money. On the other hand, it cracks me up when people are funny & original about things that constitute their brand. Or when my family says something snarky about each other and the victim of snark says, “yeah, that’s on brand.”
Some of you may have noticed that for many years my brand was Angry Hermit. I felt that embodied so much of who I was. It really was my unique selling proposition. But then this goddamn pandemic happened and suddenly all y’all were angry hermits and while I wanted to sue everyone for trademark infringement I did not because our society is already too litigious.
After the personal hellscape that was 2019, the global hellscape of 2020, and ending a relationship where I lost who I was to emotional labor for someone who would not return the favor, I wasn’t feeling myself. Hell, I didn’t even know who myself was anymore. That sounds so Eat, Pray, Love, doesn’t it? I’m legit asking, I never read the book or saw the movie but in my imagination it’s about finding yourself through pasta and fucking younger men. That should have been my new brand!
Missed opportunity. Instead I went with 6’5″ Spinster Goddess of Minnesota. As Ellen Willis* is my witness, if there is another 6’5″ Spinster Goddess in Minnesota, I would very much like to meet her and become her friend. I bet she has good taste in music and delicious soup recipes.
I chose this appellation for two reasons. 1.) Hyperbole is my jam. 2.) As I frequently tell my niblings, “humble is for the youth.” I say this a lot because it never fails to make Sister #2 send a laughing emoji. And I live for the laughing emoji.
Part of my rebrand includes lipstick.
My whole life I’ve wanted to be someone who wore lipstick. People who wear lipstick are cool. People who know where their lips end and their faces begin are the coolest of the cool. I haven’t entirely figured this out yet, but I’m working on it.
A couple of years ago I wrote 762 words on why I bought purple lipstick, which mostly explains my history with makeup. Since buying that purple lipstick I have added three others to the collection: a disappointing brown (you can take the girl out of the 90s but you can’t take the 90s out of the girl) that looks EXACTLY like the purple, a delicious bubblegum pink, and the legendary Cherries in the Snow.
More than just buying the new lipsticks, I try to wear them a few times a week. It is wonderful and every time I catch my bright mouth in the mirror I’m all, shoulder shrugging and flirtatious**“who’s that mysterious, sexy woman?”
It is super fun and I like it.
*I don’t know about God, but I do know about Ellen Willis and she is my deity of choice.
**I don’t know how to flirt. Last night I matched with someone on Bumble and we were having a nice little chat until I spilled 938 Dolly Parton fun facts on him like a six-year-old kid who just learned about dinosaurs and I haven’t heard from him since.