Hey Darling Ones,
We can all agree that monkeying with the time is kind of a giant nightmare and we should stop doing it, right? And I never know whether Daylight Saving’s Time has ended or just begun and I don’t know if it’s possessive and I don’t care enough to look it up.
However, one thing I love about this time of year is that I get to indulge in my very favorite thing which is typing in the dark with my headphones on listening to music. I think I wrote about 85% of The Beast sitting in the dark with headphones on.
Do you remember The Beast? It’s the novel I wrote and revised and rewrote a bunch of years ago and it got some agent nibbles, but much like everything else in my life I could not close the deal. Then I put it away and life happened and I figured I would just continue on existing and not be a writer. I could just be a reader and a sometimes blogger. It would be ok. It’s fine. FINE. I mean, not everyone has to be a writer, right? There’s lots of people who think things and have absolutely no desire at all to change those thoughts into words for other people to consume. I could be that kind of person.
At least I thought I could. Sadly, I cannot.
I want to write again. I specifically want to revise The Beast for a post-fascist overtake, police riot, #metoo world. The Beast has been stirring inside of me, probably like how women feel their bodies stir when they’re getting ready to give birth (only, probably not at all, but I’m reading Maggie Smith’s The Argonauts so I have birth and fucking on the brain, and I’m not going to ever give birth to anything but a book, so. . .)
Last night I spiraled pretty hard. So hard that not only did I google “How do I cope with loneliness during a pandemic,” but I also downloaded Tinder. And when neither of those things made me feel better for one single second, I called my friend EM and whined at her.
She reminded me that there were better things I could be doing with my time and that I need to keep myself distracted and it’s okay to want validation from men when you’re feeling lonely and unattractive.
“You know, you could start writing again?” she said.
“You know, you could shut up,” I said.
So I’m gonna start writing again. And thanks to Alanis Morissette & Sinead O’Connor I figured out what my book is really about. I listened to this words & music program Morissette did for Audible, and in it she quoted Sinead O’Connor as saying, “I love that people are enjoying those songs, but I am hurting.”
Epiphanies taste good, even in 2020.