I slept fitfully last night. My slumber plagued with bizarre semi-nightmares the kind that don’t wake you up in sheer terror filled with relief that you’re awake, but rather the kind that just make you feel uneasy. This lack of sleep has pushed my already low bullshit tolerance to zero. I’ve tried everything to alleviate the crankiness: pretzel M&Ms, Joan Jett on super loud, my favorite Liz Phair, finishing a book in a cool room, all of this to no avail. So now, I vent. This isn’t for the faint of heart or thin of skin. You’ve been warned.
- Okay beer-drinking assholes, enough with your bitching about how the MN Shutdown might put your swill of choice in jeopardy. There are actual people who are out of jobs because this nonsense. How would you handle it if someone took away your pay check for two weeks? Oh, unemployment, yeah you try living off 60% of your income (or whatever the percentage is). You sound like an over-privileged, insensitive gasbag. If that’s the vibe you were going for, good on you. Keep on bitching about the lack Coors Lite while those out of work ponder whether they should pay the electric or gas bill.
- Speaking of ridiculously privileged whiners, I’m looking at you Netflix subscribers. Now, I’m not above getting a good head of outrageous indignation on when it comes to the very important matters of the day: exclamation point abuse; improper use of begs the question; and people whining that they might run out of their favorite beer because the GOVERNMENT IS SHUTDOWN, but you Netflix people gotta simmer down. Now, I understand it’s totally unheard of and frankly un-American for a corporate entity to raise prices on a good and/or service for the sole reason of making more money. How dare they? But it’s going to be okay. If you can’t afford the $6, cancel your Netflix and maybe go the library. Hell, I’ll give you $6 for the first month if you just shut the fuck up.
- Dear Social Media Mothers & “PR-friendly” MomBloggers, I’m not sure what possessed a great gob of you to follow me on Twitter this week. Maybe it was the post about taking my nephew Liam to Goodwill. But here’s the thing, I don’t have kids and I’m not your target audience so I won’t be returning the follow favor. Besides, when I see “PR-friendly” in your bio that tells me you’re willing to shill your blog (and readers) to every hack who is going to give you a free baby wipe. No thanks. But if you like irreverent, bitter spinster Aunt ravings keep on keeping on.
- Finally, this one isn’t as filled with vitriol as the rest but still stuck in my craw and it needs to get out. Authors on Goodreads, stop giving every book you read five-stars. It makes me question your objectivity and renders your opinon useless. We all know that you’re just bumping up the ratings of your friends’ books, we get. But still, it’s annoying. Maybe you should tag all those five-star books with “author friends” or something so we know right off the bat that perhaps your not the best judge of that particular book.