i feel like there’s salt in my eyes. i cried myself to sleep last night so my eyes are extra puffy and feel all grainy.
the crying myself to sleep came pretty suddenly. i was reading in bed and around 2:30am i decided to turn out the light and get some shut eye. the loneliness and unhappiness was just lurking in the shadows waiting for the light to go out and then they pounced.
it was sudden it took my breath away.
i was trying mightily to stop crying. but it was no use. the only thing i succeeded in doing was making my throat hurt way deep down near my chest. so i just sobbed making the pillow soggy and warm.
i can’t remember the last time i had been so unhappy. as i cried i racked my brain for what was the cause of my unhappiness. is it my weight? is it that i’m alone?
then i tried to define happiness. is happiness only the absence of sadness? whenever i laugh does that make me happy?
if i were thinner would i be happy? if i were coupled up would i be happy? can i be happy with one or the other? can i be happy with neither?
sadly, i didn’t figure out any of it- i fell asleep instead.