Dear Darling Ones,
A long time ago I had an idea to write about all the different ways you can cry in a day. I was gonna keep track of my tears and then tell you about them. I don’t think I ever got around to it. If I did, keep that fact to yourself. I just had a stroke! I’m allowed to forget some things.
If I did that post today, one of ways you can cry is “6 p.m. on Friday listening to “Danny’s Song” because you’re reading Kenny Loggins’ memoir AND two of the women you work with sent you a $50 Door Dash gift card to make things easier.”
If I wrote yesterday as I intended until I ran out of steam, one of the ways you can cry is “You made chili and it was good.”
For real, I cried in my chili because I was so proud of myself. Making it was so hard. I didn’t expect perfect knife cuts, but chopping vegetables with my shaky arm was weird and took forever.
My brain cannot stop the inner-monologue that comes with a limb that doesn’t follow directions. There’s a lot of “fuck,” “what the fuck,” and “are you fucking kidding me?”
Opening cans with a manual can opener was also surprisingly difficult.
Eighteen days in and I’m still learning all the ways I wildly underestimated how this would impact my life. And I don’t even know the financial ramifications yet.
I also wildly underestimated the guilt. I feel wretched for making people worry. I feel as though I betrayed everyone by not taking better care of myself.
I feel bad that I haven’t properly thanked people who sent something or offered to help. I feel bad for not telling people how they can help (there is a Support section in the sidebar that’s the best I can do).
Mostly, I wildly underestimated how many people care about me. It’s a bit overwhelming and unexpected. I don’t often feel particularly worthy, especially now that I betrayed everyone.
I’m so fucking grateful and thankful. I’m glad y’all think I deserve it.
Jodi
Hi again, Jodi,
I don’t know how to (and I don’t think I can) convince you that you have disappointed NO ONE (you had a stroke, for God’s sake, you didn’t commit a crime!), and as for “taking care of yourself,” isn’t that what you’ve spent your lifetime doing? You’ve taken excellent care of yourself, and still are. I think very independent people think that means we should never need help but would you hold any other human being to that standard? I know you wouldn’t. A lot of people care about you because that’s what good people do for each other, and what you have done for many.
Now, on to more details: has Physical Therapy begun to schedule your home PT? Because if they haven’t that’s fucking malpractice.
Donna
Thank you, your kindness means so much to me. I’m literally that “but not you” meme when it comes to holding myself to a different standard.
As for PT, there’s a huge shortage right now. My Dr is working on it & a social worker friend of my sister’s had to call 34 places for a client before finding an opening. So, more patience.