Well, Darling Ones,
My dad started hospice care over the weekend. His death is imminent and they’re keeping him comfortable until it arrives.
Do you want me to list all the ways this sucks? It’s a long list. Most of the ways are complicated and hard to explain. Families are complicated and hard to explain. All this grows exponentially as death hovers and dysfunction comes home to roost.
I’m doing my best to be at peace with everything — my dad’s death, the abuse, the estrangement, all the things. Whenever I succeed at convincing myself I’m at peace I tell myself I’m an ice-hearted robot harpy who feels nothing. So, that’s fun.
Wanna know what is the most fun? Worrying about work and trying to figure out the best way to handle this.
Capitalism uber alles. I’m roughly ten hours into my work week because I’m using it as a distraction. I know I won’t be able to perform much longer, but I don’t know what to do.
Do I warn my clients so they can find someone else to complete my work? Do I wait to say anything until he’s dead and I need actual time off?
They never taught me this in freelance school. (That’s a joke, I didn’t go to freelance school.)
Even though my mind has bigger fish to fry, it seems to be stuck on, “what if I disappoint everyone?” Am I just fixating on this one thing to stave off feeling actual grief?
As, I just texted BFK, “Feelings are so annoying.”
So my dad is going to die soon and I don’t know what to do with myself or my work or anything. They never taught me this in death school.