If You Need Anything

Hey Darling Ones,

Before I get into today’s nonsense, I’d like to point out the header image. It says, BOOBS in numbers. As soon as Sister #4 popped that calculator out of her box of Dad’s crap he hauled home from my parents’ apartment I put in some batteries and did the time-honored tradition.

The poor children of today probably don’t get to experience the profound joy of spelling BOOBS or BOOBLESS or LOOSE on a calculator that requires batteries and has actual buttons.

I weep for the children.

Anyway, here’s what’s been on my mind today.

Many, many people have told me various forms of “let me know if you need anything.” I myself have said this a half-a-million times to the people I love who are going through the shit.

It wasn’t until today that I pondered what I actually meant by that. What if someone was all, “yes, I need you to go to the post office, grocery shop inside the store, return these six phone calls, and then make small talk with a bunch of short, conservative men.”

Would I do that? Are these really needs?

In the future I intend to be much clearer. “Let me know if I can do something for you that will not take a lot of effort or money but will undoubtedly make me feel better for supporting you during your hour of need.”

Ideally, Future Jodi won’t even have to say such nonsense. Instead, I’ll just send something thoughtful and sweet and bask in the smugness that will come with being a very good person deep down in my bones.

Future Jodi is probably gonna be awesome. Right Now Jodi is a hot pile of self-centered garbage and snark. A total delight.

Of all the “let me know if you need anything” I’ve gotten since my dad died, I only took one person up on the offer. I told BFK that my sisters needed Crumbl cookies. Sisters #2 & #4 kept making cracks about including an “In lieu of memorials/flowers” line in the obituary.

I only half listened because those two talk a lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. The part I kept catching was “In lieu of memorials please send Crumbl cookies or edible arrangements.”

BFK delivered on the cookies (the last of which I finished yesterday) and since edible arrangements don’t deliver to Shakopee, she brought a bunch of fruit.

Did we really need cookies and fruit? I don’t know. I have a long history of conflating wants and needs, especially in Spanish.

So, if you’re a let me know what you need kind of person, here’s a small list of things that I need.

  • Old-fashioned donuts (plain please, glaze is the jizz of the devil).
  • Someone to figure out what I would like for dinner and then bring that dinner to me.
  • The Gin Blossoms’ “New Miserable Experience” on vinyl.
  • OR someone to talk this person into taking my really low-ball offer because I am cheap and also afraid I’m gonna be homeless soon.
  • A refill on my water.
  • For grief to be more linear, rational, and less exhausting.
  • The new season of Top Chef because that would be really comforting right now. I just finished watching all the other seasons + Top Chef Masters right before my dad died. So this need is dire.
  • A shower. I’ll manage this one on my own tomorrow morning after I get up (probably), but I’m just being honest that I’m on the verge of being stinky.
  • Someone to pay attention to me while simultaneously leaving me alone and also not asking me how I’m doing but listening should I decide I want to talk about all the things I haven’t been able to talk about yet.
  • A caramel apple.

Needlessly yours,

P.S. Today was much better than yesterday. For the most part, I fed myself when I was hungry. I only cried a little bit. I did a business, and when I felt my focus waning I stopped working.

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