Hi Darling Ones,
The worst part of living in a white supremacist capitalistic christian patriarchal oligarchy is that you’re expected to carry on like nothing is happening when something is happening all the time. And not like piddly navel-gazing petty drama shit. And not even serious, life-altering personal shit. But like catastrophic, apocalyptic, life-ending shit. It’s been happening off and on since like 2016, but has really pushed the pedal to the floor since 2020.
Ok, the cruelty towards everyone who is not a white cishet male is the very worst part, but the carrying on is right up there.
Today I felt a little but like I did after Coup Day. What is one supposed to do as their bodily autonomy perches on the precipice of obsolescence?
Fuck if I know, which is appropriate. It’s the answer I gave my female friends who kept asking, “What do we do now? How do we fight this?”
How did you spend your day waiting for your rights to be taken away?
I spent a lot of time doomscrolling twitter watching people turn themselves inside out discussing their abortions while the dudes I know tweeted about the Weird Al movie or retweeted the thoughts of people without uteruses who might be marginally inconvenienced by more than half the US population losing the right to decide what’s best for thier lives.
I listened to Tori Amos’ “Silent All These Years” about fifteen times. I did this mostly because the boy you best hope that I bleed real soon line. But also because this song reminds me of being twenty-two and curled into the front seat of my friend Whitley’s Escort? Camry? Accord? I only remember it was a tiny car unsuitable for my 6’5″ frame. Also it was a stick shift she had only recently learned to drive and she was driving us to McDonald’s for hot fudge sundaes that cost like a quarter back in 1994. We listened to this song as we sat in the parking lot eating our ice cream.
Most of my day was spent reading the super engaging yet horrifying We Are Watching Eliza Bright, which was like The Virgin Suicides + Ready Player One – 80S Dude Nostalgia + Gamergate.
I also ugly cried into a giant bowl of leftover pasta while watching “Julie” on HBOMax. I ugly cried for three reasons.
- Paul, Julia’s husband played by David Hyde Pierce aka Niles Crane really loves his wife
- Julia’s dad can’t see it because Julia does not fit into any box people would label feminine.
- It’s been a rough day.
Now here I am typing listless into this box because I feel the need to document this cruelty, this hopelessness, this abject failure of the US Justice system.
This sucks. My soul is exhausted. I’m existentially burnt out. As a white middle class woman, I’m very near the top of the social food chain and I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on like normal. I cannot even begin to understand what those more vulnerable and marginalized are going through every fucking day in this country.