The COVID Diaries: The Groove is Not in My Heart

Hi Darling Ones,

I got the yellow headphones and as I suspected they have fixed all the things. I’m unendingly content and frequently experience bursts of unmitigated joy. My loneliness has vanished along with my self-doubt, shame, and guilt. My hair is shinier. My muscles are stronger. I sleep the gentle slumber of the righteous and the just. My food tastes better, my plants are greener, my orgasms more fulfilling, and men are forming a line to be my true companion.

Told ya so. If there’s an end to hunger, war, and pestilence tonight it’s because I put those yellow sheets on my bed. You’re welcome, humankind.

Even though I have tons of guilt over buying the headphones, I cannot deny they make me grin with happiness when I catch their reflection in Gladys’ screen. They’re so shiny and yellow! It’s a beauty crowds me until I die situation.

The guilt is a side-effect of growing up in poverty. Whenever I spend more than $20 on something I don’t actually need* I fall into a shame spiral. What if I can’t pay my electric bill next month because I bought those headphones? What if I can’t afford food next week because I bought the headphones? The repercussions of poverty are long-lasting.

Well, that turned into kind of a bummer. I’m struggling with the words this week, Darling Ones. Everything I type feels forced and phony. My mind is not in the game, so to speak. I started an 1100-page biography of Sylvia Plath. I’m a bit obsessed and also angry that I cannot read the biography while simultaneously re-reading The Bell Jar for the fourth or fifth time to see if I like it yet. Also, I’m spending a lot of time thinking about being an Art Monster with a dash of Rickie Lee Jones’ “Do women have an impact on men or is it only the other way around? Well, depending on which men you read, I suppose the answer is no, men alone influence women. What a crock of shit.”

And on top of all that, I suddenly have to work like a real grown up, which significantly cuts into my daydreaming/pondering time. My brain is not used to this kind of discipline so it’s a little slow going. I’m so out of practice that I’m having troubles switching between web design/copywriter brain and witty, imaginative writer brain. It will be much easier once I get back into the routing of daily work and writing. But damn, if finding that groove isn’t proving to be a pain in the ass.

The groove is not in my heart at the moment,

P.S. If you’re wondering what happened to the blue mullet, it disappeared. While I loved the way the blue looked on my grey hairs I did not love the way it looked on my non-grey hairs. I’m gonna try copper next to see if that’s more my jam.

*Books and records are things I need. I would, in fact, probably die without them. I’ve pre-ordered so many records lately that I can’t even remember what I ordered and expect to have a summer filled with delightful surprises.

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