The COVID Diaries: Anxiety’s Got the Best of Me

Hi Darling Ones,

My anxiety is off the charts at the moment, which means I sleep all the time.

I have two ways of dealing with anxiety: talking about it incessantly until someone wants to murder me or sleeping. Since I’m a lonely old spinster who lives alone there is nobody to chatter at. Instead, I’m sleepy all the time. Today I’ve taken two short naps after getting a solid seven hours of sleep last night. I’m already looking forward to bedtime.

Most of my anxiety is circling around tomorrow’s vaccine appointment. Every night I have a different dream about being unable to get the shot: can’t find the place (I live 2.5 miles from the Canterbury Park where my appointment is), Disney Villains impede my progress to the shot, and last night some fucking teenage boy kept stealing my vaccine card so I couldn’t get shot #2.

Some of the anxiety is due to current events in Minnesota (i.e. our cops being racist murderers and our government punishing a grieving community). Some of it, I think, is because my Uncle Terry died which brings up a lot of complicated family-related issues that I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with right now. And I have even less capacity for more grief.

On an unrelated complicated family issue, I nearly made Sister #4 cry the other night when she was here because I mentioned something about being the half-sister. It floored her because she does not think of me that way, and I was defensive because no matter what she thinks that doesn’t erase my actual feelings and lived experiences. It was awkward and I backed away from it quickly because I did not want to cry an ocean of tears and explain to her how I never feel like I fit in anywhere.

That was fun.

Nothing is fun right now. It’s been grey and rainy for about 3716 days in a row here in Minnesota. I’m uninspired and uninspiring. I’m hopeful tomorrow’s shot will alleviate some of anxiety and I can get back to thinking about other things like Joshua Jackson’s back and if I should get that lemon-lime philodendron I got my eye on.

In the meantime my brain jukebox is serving up an endless rotation of “Anxiety” by Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit b/w “A Shot in the Arm” by Wilco. Fucking brains, man.

Way down in it,
Jodi

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