Cutting back

I was just sitting here in the La-Z-Grrl with my glasses on top of my head and tears pouring down my cheeks. Yes, I was weeping. Oh, I am so embarrassed to admit this. I was weeping because I had to cut back on the cable and now I will no longer get my beloved The N which means there will only be about 1/3 of the Dawson’s Creek reruns available to me for brain-pickling purposes.

I cry again, now as I write this, out of sheer humiliation that I cried because I had to cutback on the cable.

Yeah, hello privileged white girl.

As I wept I began composing a post about how poor I was growing up (we’re talking shut off the electricity poor) and how hard I worked to become financially independent and middle class, blah, blah, blah and how it hurt to have to be cutting costs and it made me afraid.

But then I realized I was crying over CUTTING BACK ON CABLE TELEVISION.

It was then that I went in the bathroom and punched myself in the face for even shedding one tear. Because I am not that person and I need to cut it out with the self pity. Though, in a little bit of my own defense, I wasn’t crying about cable but really the bigger issue it represents and mostly just the fear.

This past month has not been easy. It seems all the jobs have dried right up and with each passing mortgage that is due I get a little bit more frightened. And it’s tough because it’s one of those things you don’t want to talk about. Because talking about it feels like whining which makes me feel like I’m asking for a handout or to borrow money, which I’m not. Plus, like loneliness it’s one of those topics that just makes people uncomfortable and that they can’t really understand anyway.

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  1. Tam 05.Sep.08 at 3:30 pm

    You know what? It’s OK to feel the way you feel right now. It doesn’t change my opinion of you one bit.


  2. AC 05.Sep.08 at 9:08 pm

    it’s okay. Once when we were broke I cried because I could not buy a $150 ($200???) purse.
    I know, it’s ridiculous, and I was sad about it for real for several days. And — funny thing is — I could buy that purse today if I wanted it.
    I think the inability to buy it and the crying was more a symbol of the financial insecurity and all the baggage that comes with it.

    Maybe that dones’t make you feel any better. But I guess I have cried over stupid shit too.

    Hang in there.



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