What if Jolene wrote Call Your Girlfriend?

I’m slightly worried that I am depressed again or that maybe I have depression. I did zero things all weekend besides lay about napping, reading With the Fire on High (which was disappointing), and watching MasterChef Season 9, even though I kind of hate the ridiculous over-production of the show and the amped up melodramatics.

This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed because I just didn’t feel like doing anything besides lay under the covers and feel the breeze on my face. I feel super pouty today. A mix of angry and sad and maybe I just have PMS. I can’t tell and that’s not helping matters.

Could be that I just needed to eat a sandwich, because I ate one and I feel moderately better. Writing, also makes me feel better. I should take note.

I’m not sure why I told you all that. Because I came here to ask, what if. . . the song “Call Your Girlfriend” was written by “Jolene?”

Now, hear me out. If some nerds can have entire DC and Marvel universes where spandex-clad humans run around with their superpowers, I can have a universe where songs are written by fictional characters in response to songs written about them.

If you don’t like that, I think Batman XXXVI starring the Royal Baby as Batman is playing at the cineplex starting at 6.

This thought came to me unbidden this morning while I was listening to my “Your Top Songs of 2017” Spotify playlist and congratulating myself on having impeccable taste in music. Apparently, I listened to “Call Your Girlfriend” a lot in 2017. My musical taste, while impeccable, can sometimes be a little bit behind the times.

I love this song, obviously, because it’s such an odd take on a love song. Most of the time I’m all, this is so sweet she really doesn’t want the other women to feel hurt and all. I especially think this when she sings about all the things he should not tell her.

But then sometimes I’m all, Listen bitch, I’m not gonna take heartbreak advice from the skanky homewrecker who done did stole my man. Fuck you.

ASIDE: The feminist in me thinks Jolene and Dolly should both ditch the guy. But then I think isn’t it okay to have your feelings change, especially if you’re upfront and honest about it right away? Then I remember that there’s probably a reason I’m a forty-seven-year-old spinster and it might have something to do with my fickle, indecisive heart or the fact that I create entire universes in my head where pop songs are like real people who respond to each other across time and space.

It was the “done did stole my man” part that made me think of Jolene. As far as I can tell Jolene might be the most infamous man stealer in all of pop music. And we all hate on Jolene because we love Dolly so much, but what if the man Dolly’s singing about really is in love with someone else and not Dolly? What if Jolene isn’t so bad after all?

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  1. Susanna 10.Jun.19 at 4:07 pm

    I just heard “Diane” last night — do you know that one? Seems like it fits right in with this trio.

    Also, I think you have PMS. Maybe eat some M&Ms or a ton of ice cream and stay in bed with the cats.

  2. Susanna 10.Jun.19 at 4:08 pm

    Duo. Fits in with the duo. Would make a trio.

    1. Jodi Chromey 10.Jun.19 at 4:10 pm

      I love this! I never even knew this song existed until right now. Plus, it gets bonus points because my mom’s name is Diane.


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