The inappropriate relationship under my roof

Ever since Walter the dog left two weeks ago, Paco, my one remaining cat, has been needy as fuck. He’s always been a needy, demanding cat. In fact, he’s quite aggressive in his neediness. His latest trick is to plant his ass right next to me on the couch (as seen above), casually creep his way onto my thigh, and then he’ll try to wedge his head between my fingers and the keyboard. It’s annoying.

This has been happening pretty steadily for the past two weeks. The only respite from these kinds of shenanigans is if I throw a blanket over my feet. Paco will drape himself on top of any blanket that’s over my feet. This is his most charming trait, especially in the dead of a Minnesota winter.

However, I’ve noticed over the past few days that Paco might be digging on the blanket I keep on my couch a little too much. He does this weird knead-y/marchy thing that involves some sort of hip gyrations and strange breathing. Really, it seems quite masturbatory. But I googled “cat masturbating” and that’s apparently not the way cats masturbate (according to the YouTube videos I saw male cats masturbate much the way male humans do).

This behavior makes me kind of uncomfortable. It’s not that I don’t want Paco to enjoy self-pleasure or whatever it is he’s doing. I just don’t want him doing it right next to me (and on one awkward occasion while I was trying to nap through “Dance Moms” right on me). Also, this is my favorite blanket and I don’t want him getting any sort cat bodily fluids of any sort on it. That probably sounds pretty selfish but there’s about 923,281 other things he could hump in this house. 923,280 of those things don’t reside right next to me 75% of the time.

I’m suddenly having waking nightmares of having to not only get a ‘real’ job but having to go to a ‘real job’ interview where some HR woman asks me about googling cat masturbation. That will be a really great post, won’t it?

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  1. Lana Baker 12.Apr.12 at 11:57 pm

    I’m slightly disturbed that there were cat masturbation videos on YouTube. Cats LOVE cashmere, so if that blanket’s got any real animal fur in it, ya probably need to put it up when you’re not sleeping with it your own self. lol

    1. Jodi 13.Apr.12 at 7:45 am

      @Lana Baker, The only animal fur on the blanket is definitely Paco’s. The blanket is an afghan my aunt found at a garage sale years ago, probably made from the cheapest yarn you could find at KMart in 1973.

  2. Lesley 13.Apr.12 at 6:17 am

    I once had a cat that had his own little teddy bear. The cat would walk around the house, teddy bear in teeth, kind of meowing out of the side of his mouth, until he found a nice place to stop and hump the bear. I’d find the bear in all different places in the house. That cat is long gone but i still have his teddy bear.

    1. Jodi 13.Apr.12 at 7:46 am

      @Lesley, My sister’s cat, Memphis, has taken a liking to my niece’s stuffed Panda. Jaycie said she’s surrendered the panda to Memphis.

  3. Katherine 16.Apr.12 at 9:38 am

    I’m not an expert, but maybe a crazy cat-lady in the making. Some cats do this and some don’t. Google “cat kneading” and you’ll find more info (much better than googling the other thing…) plus maybe it won’t seem as gross to you. Probably the only fluid that might get on your blanket would be kitty saliva, if Paco happens to be a drooler, too.


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