because the universe likes to conspire against (or for) me in odd and confusing ways that i cannot decipher, i got an e-mail from my friend Ray on Thursday night, the night my class workshopped my 1994 story.
ray is one of my BFFs circa 1994. we seem to bounce in and out of each other’s life at random times. it’s all good, because me and ray have the kind of friendship where you just pick up where you last left off.
this time, ray has bounced into my life in a time where his life is not so good. his 2-year relationship has just crumbled before his eyes and his e-mails are filled with pain that is palpable. it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes to read of his aching heart and longing and loneliness.
it’s been a little tough, this e-mail chain. i’ve realized that i am a much more physically demonstrative person than i ever thought. comforting ray electronically is not easy. i can’t ply him with good beer, or hold his hand, or rub his shoulder and tell him it’s okay. and i hate that.
the other thing about this recent communication is that it’s got me to thinking — about what i’m not sure i can express, yet. it has a lot to do with my own recent bout with loneliness and the fear that maybe i am meant to be alone. but then there’s the whole relationships falling apart thing to contend with, which seems to be happening to more than a few friends of mine at the moment.
but mostly, i’ve been thinking about the past. my past failed relationships, and the hope i still hold that some of those men will see my light. it’s ridiculous, and it’s even more ridiculous to spend any more thought on those men. hearts will never heal if you keep them filled with hope.
so you know what i did? i deleted. i deleted Gmail labels, 100s of e-mails and more than few names from my IM roll call. i got rid of all those men who cannot see my light, and i’m only keeping around the ones that do.
because what ray has made me realize by bouncing back in is that i’ve been focusing too much on my desire to be wanted by someone new and taking nothing from the fact that i am appreciated by someone old.
Sometimes we look for something that we have had, but discounted it as “not the real thing.”
I actually threw things away when I’ve broken up with people in the past. Cleared their name from my phone, and deleted emails. I think it can be considered a sickness sometimes to revisit those gosh darn memories, addicting in a bad make me want to cry sort of way.
You did the right thing. You are doing the right thing. I tell myself that in order to make room for the new, I have to get rid of the old. I have to make room in my heart emotionally and physically for the new to enter.
I think Emma’s right. It’s cathartic and liberating to let go of that dead weight that can only be holding you down. Good luck with the purge and my sympathies to Ray.
aww, thanks. you guy’s are the best. also, if any of you ladies are in the LaCrosse/Winona area, let me know, because i’ll totally hook you up with the faboo ray.
I read that and thought “Ray of Light”.
Now I have Madonna stuck in my leetle head.
And did you get my e-mail about the red robo keychain?
That was red robot keychain. Forgive me, I am a tax accountant, and had a rough day.