i sat on the fabulous blue couch tonight eating an apple, crying, and watching “almost famous.” i chose “almost famous” not because it’s my all-time favorite movie, but because it was one wher enobody gets the girl. william miller doesn’t get her, neither does russel hammond. in the end the girl gets herself. i needed to see that.
a spoke in my menstrual cycle hit me so hard this afternoon that i left work moments before the storm of tears and got home in time to run to the bathroom to throwup. it was terrible. fuck, it still is terrible. because now i feel like a washed out photocopy of myself.
this afternoon a bunch of us gathered in the lunchroom to watch a slideshow that al’s parents had put together for her in honor of her wedding three weeks or so ago. it was beautiful and sweet. and watching it with five misty-eyed married women was not so good for me. in fact, it hurt. after bursting with happiness for my newlywed friend, i was swept away in the undertow of my own longing. it was swift and breath-taking.
my desire to fall in love so big and violent i felt like i was kicked in the stomach and was unsure if my knees would work to carry me back to my desk, where i stared and wondered what the fuck was wrong with me.
then i came home to the vomitting and the napping and the apples and the crying. and now i just feel empty. and maybe that’s what is wrong with me.
Though I haven?t experienced strong menstrual cycles (I?m a guy (thank god)) I figured I?d comment on tonight?s post anyway. I know there?s nothing I can say to make you feel perfect, but I thought I?d share a personal thought in hopes that it could make you feel better. One of my friends just got married and it was a real eye opener for me too. Everywhere I look friends (and ?enemies?) are falling in love and I fill the role of the proverbial dateless young man who always looks and never finds. The thing I wanted to point out is that just because your perfect love hasn?t presented itself yet doesn?t mean it never will. The time that you spend by yourself in your ?violent desire? churns your mind and molds your life to be able to appreciate it that much more when it arrives. Is there a perfect person out there for everyone? I certainly think so, and I think that waiting for it is one of the most important acts and pieces of time in a person?s life. It may be grueling, but oh how much more wonderful the reward will be in the end. Keep your head high and your mind clear. After all, your perfect match may come into your life any day of the week. Be strong. Be happy. Never give up; your life?s future could be more amazing than you could ever imagine!
Honey-Bunny! I’m so sorry the PMS goblins are getting to you. I have some killer drugs in my purse – remind me next time I see you. And I know that will only help a little bit. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything is going to be OK – that rarely seems to work though.
You are such a fantastic person Jodi! I hope you know that, and if you don’t, don’t worry, I’ll keep telling you that from time to time.
Mr. Right is out there – there is someone for everyone – just think of the two ugmoe’s that live across the street from me. You will cross paths with utter happiness one day, I’m sure of it. But until then, let’s get really drunk and you can cry on my shoulder.
Like Kwan Yin riding on the crest of the wave in balance and composure, just try to ride it out, you’ll be all happy and smiley in a few days. Scott’s comment was very apropos, trust smart people like him, don’t doubt yourself, just be patient and willing to give the love you’d like to receive.
Sending you mojo vibes and *hugs* (another Jodie)
Whoa, someone just called me one of the “smart people”! That’s a first 😉