i never thought i’d hear myself say it, but i’m actually looking forward to going to work on monday. the holidays are hell on the lonely and going back to work will make life seem semi-back-to-normal, well with the exception of new year’s the worst of the holiday-trifecta. i hate the pressure of needing “something to do.” because, well, i never have anything to do.
and i’ll spend new years eve night like i spent christmas eve and christmas, with my family for as long as i can tolerate it, and then home again home again jiggity jig. that’s when i will peel off my clothes and poor myself to bed, lining up the pillows on your side of the bed and pretend with my eyes closed tight that there’s someone who wants to be with me. and if it’s anything like christmas, i will snuggle close to the pillows and sob. i will cry for my loneliness, i will cry and cry and pretend there’s someone there who will hold me and understand that it’s not his fault that i’m lonely and that it’s just the way it is and he’ll just hold me and understand. that’s what i’ll pretend.
but in reality it will just be me and some tears and some soggy pillows. but eventually i will sleep and in the morning it will be a whole new year, and maybe this year will be better than the last.