i was all right for awhile, i could smile for awhile

i never understood the concept of crying yourself to sleep. well, sort of, i guess. i’ve cried myself to sleep many times. but more often than not, i cry myself awake. it something about the tears and the way my heart pounds that causes my adrenaline to rush. then i’m wide awake with my wet, puffy face and my tired eyes.

i’ve been crying myself awake a lot this past week. it’s something about when i turn off the lights and i can’t keep my thoughts at bay. when i’m lying in my big bed all alone that i can’t keep the thoughts from coming. and then i cry. and the more i cry, the less i can sleep.

i’m exhausted. this past five weeks hasn’t been a picnic. between real work and the bowling alley, i haven’t had a spare five minutes to myself. my apartment’s a mess, i don’t have any clean plates, i balanced my checkbook for the first time since i got back from memphis friday night at midnight (it wasn’t all bad, when you are so busy you don’t find all that much time to spend money).

my defenses have been weakened. my shoulders are in knots. the too much to do has left me feeling down and lonely. ironic, not enough alone time has left me feeling lonelier than i have in eons. my phone hasn’t rang in a week. i check my e-mail compulsively to see if anyone cares. the silence is deafening.

i’ll be 31 in 81 days. i feel likve i’ve become a woman who chose a career over love and a family. even though i never really had a choice– love was never an option. i’ve made the decision to buy a house. to save up this next ear and in march 2004 i will buy my own house. i will buy it myself and while most of me wants to burst with pride, part of me feels like i’m surrendering. admitting defeat– that i can’t build a home with somone, so i have to do it on my own.

and, yes, i realize a lot of this is just black sunday self-pity and in the bright, warm light of tomorrow (here in minnesota we’ve had a temperature fluctuation of 78 degrees in the last six days and if that doesn’t make you a little loony, nothing will) i will be ok. but tonight i give in to the blackness and the mean reds. the fear and the anger and the frustration. i just want to know, when will i be loved?

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  1. Thomas 17.Mar.03 at 8:08 am

    Today I celebrate being married for exactly one year.

    Today I celebrate having known her for 10 years.

    Today I celebrate that after I had given up completely on being loved, someone found it in her heart to love me first.

    Today I spoke to a neurosurgeon.

    Today I discovered that a fragment of disc material is pressing against the nerves to my leg.

    Today I found out that I can no longer take the medicine that keeps me free from pain.

    Today I learned my surgery is scheduled for the 27th.

    Today I was given a 90% chance of recovering completely.

    Today I found out that the remaining 10% of my options include complete paralysis of the right leg and death.

    Today I figuratively shit my pants.

  2. Kevin 17.Mar.03 at 8:10 am

    That’s a lot of things to happen in one day. Take it easy, man. Spread some of that stuff out. Good luck with the surgery!

  3. UH 17.Mar.03 at 10:52 am

    Welcome to the club, Thomas. I’ve got two blown disks myself with L4-5 being fragmented.

    I didn’t have surgery, though. I’ve been doing stretching and flexibility exercises for the last nine years instead, and I feel a thousand percent better. My father had two disks removed and the vertebrae fused and he’s no better off now than he was before the surgery.

    Here’s hoping it works for you, whatever you do.

  4. dainec 17.Mar.03 at 11:08 am

    Jodi, you already are loved. You are perfect as you are. Buy that house, read those books, enjoy your body, enjoy your mind.

    Your life is right now. Tomorrow will get here when it gets here.

    I know I probably sound like, blah, blah, blah… but it’s true even if I’m a dip.

  5. jodi 17.Mar.03 at 11:11 am

    you aren’t a dip! but the fact that you called yourself one made me laugh.

  6. courtney 17.Mar.03 at 12:59 pm

    “…it’s when you cry just a little, but you laugh in the middle…”

  7. betsy 18.Mar.03 at 9:22 am

    Maybe your folks should hire someone who isn’t working full time to work for them at the bowling alley. It isn’t your responsibility to keep their business going, even though you may feel it is your daughterly duty. this kind of stress is not healthy for you. If you lived in another state no one would expect this of you. Time to take care of yourself first, only take on what you can handle, because if you continue this way, you’ll really start to resent it, and then feel guilty because of those negative feelings toward your loved ones. I’ve been there and done that and sometimes in trying to be “good and nice” we assume much too much responsibility. Same goes for baby sitting, etc., yes you love your niece and nephews but it’s not your job to be available at all times, just when you have free Jodi time and want to give and get all the love you can from them. Please don’t buy a house next door or down the block from your sisters, we know what can potentailly happen. Another state would be best, because then you’d probably start relationships with others other than your family, but of course you must make those decisions for yourself, I too, while not being a dip, am a dweeb.


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