raucous debate

i just got off the phone with the TTHM. it was a phonecall where we argued about him making me feel bad about myself. it was mostly in jest, but like all things had a touch of honesty about it.

we mostly argued over whether you can be a woman and a mom. he said it’s either woman or mom, that you can’t do both. i, of course, think i can do both.

but then lines that really got me went something like, “you couldn’t even live with a man and still be a woman. you’d turn into a mom,” and “you have to be able to have a relationship before you become a mom.”

off the cuff comments i’m sure, but the kind that sort of sting, because they hit at those things that scare the piss out of me.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, i’m not sure i’m built for love. and this where everyone flocks in says oh yes you are, you just have to wait until you find the right one, and when you stop looking it happens and blah, blah, blah. stuff i’ve heard like 492 times before.

but that’s not it. that’s not what really strikes at the heart of the fear. i’m pretty sure that if i put my mind to it, i could find someone. but i’m afraid that i’m not willing to give up any part of myself to be with someone. i’m afriad that to be in a relationship you have to forfeit some part of yourself and maybe i’m just too selfish to do that. which goes back to the worry i have about being a mom.

i think that maybe i’m afraid that to compromise for a relationship/child i’d be selling myself out. and i guess i’m just not ready to do that. maybe you don’t have to do that, and i don’t even fucking know.

in the land of the dreamstars, where i go when i sleep at night, there is none of that compromise. i get to be my sloppy, moody, independent, needy self and things just click with mr. THEONE and you don’t have to compromise. but mostly, i think i’m just fooling myself.

and this, this whole thing– this is what i miss the most about the TTHM. even though i tease him and tell him he makes me feel bad about myself, that’s not really the truth. he makes me uncomfortable, but in a good sort of way, because he challenges me.

and lord knows how much i love a challenge.

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2 Comments

  1. wendy 27.Nov.03 at 9:01 pm

    You can be yourself and not turn into a “mom” to the person your in a relationship with, unless of course your co-dependent, and many people are. In fact the BEST relationships are those where each party has their own life. They have interests and hobbies and THEY are interesting. They have something to bring to the relationship and keep it vital. i think why so many people split up and marriages fail is because many people just didn’t have that much to offer each other in the first place. YOU Ms.Jodi have plenty to offer and hopefully you won’t settle for just anyguy (like a lot of women) and you’ll find someone that has a lot to offer you. I’m a techer and the same thing goes with kids, the more you have to offer them the more you and your children will enjoy each other and thrive. Teach your children to have interests (so many parents don’t) so they don’t always rely on the outside world for their ideas or entertainment and you will be raising very successful children.

  2. Calli 28.Nov.03 at 2:06 pm

    I think I understand how you feel. I used to wonder if there would ever be anyone who could handle me or take me the way that I am. When you get to that point in your life when you’ve got a good idea of who you are and where you want to go, adding someone else’s needs and desires into the mix can feel a little scary.

    In my relationship, as new as it is, I’ve discovered that being with the right person just brings out more of who I am. I’m not giving up pieces of myself… I’m finding new ones. Of course, there -are- compromises, but not about who I am or who he is. We accept each other as the people we are and the compromises are over things like who’s going to move where, who’ll be doing the dishes and whare my frog prince shelves are allowed to go (he thinks they’re ugly hehe).

    My guy has probably seen me go through all my moods, he lets me cry when I need to, he understands when I’m feeling needy, and he’s amused when I do something outrageous. I’ve never felt so accepted or so open to anyone in my life, including my best girlfriend. I couldn’t settle for anything less.