i just got off the phone with the TTHM. it was a phonecall where we argued about him making me feel bad about myself. it was mostly in jest, but like all things had a touch of honesty about it.
we mostly argued over whether you can be a woman and a mom. he said it’s either woman or mom, that you can’t do both. i, of course, think i can do both.
but then lines that really got me went something like, “you couldn’t even live with a man and still be a woman. you’d turn into a mom,” and “you have to be able to have a relationship before you become a mom.”
off the cuff comments i’m sure, but the kind that sort of sting, because they hit at those things that scare the piss out of me.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, i’m not sure i’m built for love. and this where everyone flocks in says oh yes you are, you just have to wait until you find the right one, and when you stop looking it happens and blah, blah, blah. stuff i’ve heard like 492 times before.
but that’s not it. that’s not what really strikes at the heart of the fear. i’m pretty sure that if i put my mind to it, i could find someone. but i’m afraid that i’m not willing to give up any part of myself to be with someone. i’m afriad that to be in a relationship you have to forfeit some part of yourself and maybe i’m just too selfish to do that. which goes back to the worry i have about being a mom.
i think that maybe i’m afraid that to compromise for a relationship/child i’d be selling myself out. and i guess i’m just not ready to do that. maybe you don’t have to do that, and i don’t even fucking know.
in the land of the dreamstars, where i go when i sleep at night, there is none of that compromise. i get to be my sloppy, moody, independent, needy self and things just click with mr. THEONE and you don’t have to compromise. but mostly, i think i’m just fooling myself.
and this, this whole thing– this is what i miss the most about the TTHM. even though i tease him and tell him he makes me feel bad about myself, that’s not really the truth. he makes me uncomfortable, but in a good sort of way, because he challenges me.
and lord knows how much i love a challenge.