in my attempts to feel something else, i decided it would be a good idea to have a drink or two. this, of course, means i’m pretty near drunk, which is not a good thing as i’m pretty far from finishing this work assignment that has to get done before tomorrow.
i don’t quite know what to do with myself. i don’t think the wake is gonna be until wednesday and the funeral thursday. i’m working from home tomorrw since i’m still in that sort of emotional time bomb phase. i can burst into tears at a drop of hat for what seems to be no apparent reason at all, mostly because you can’t hear what’s going on inside my brain.
i spent most of the day sleeping, and then when i got tired of that i laid on the bed waiting by the phone, waiting for someone to call me up and tell me i’m not alone. only the phone didn’t ring. why? because i have no fucking friends at all. even my family didn’t call. around five o’clock, with my ears clogged because when you lay on your back and cry the tears pool in them, i called my family to see if they wanted to get some sustenance. of course, because they forgot about me, they had just gottne back from the fucking steak fry.
the only reason i am not cursing their names is because i don’t eat steak and i’m saying that’s why they never called.
i dunno. somone should call me. it’s important that they do the calling because i just can’t call up and beg someone to listne to me ramble aimlessly. you know? it’s a very fine distinction that makes perfect sense to me.