so it’s been a week since the former-outlaw finally told me that he no longer had any feelings for me.

it’s been tough, i won’t lie. not in the sit around and weep all the time kind of way. because i’m done crying. on wednesday i sat with my best friend in a bar and rehashed it all. i didn’t cry once. i was so very proud of myself, because generally i’m a big crybaby about most everything.

and even though everyone says, it’s him, not me. that doesn’t help. it still hurts.

i still find myself thinking about the former-outlaw a lot. just randomly. like oh, i want to tell him this. oh, i wonder what he’s doing. oh, i wonder if he’d like this book. oh, i wonder if he’s read this. that kind of stuff. you know, the kinds of things you want to share with someone special in your life. after something big happens, i still find myself reaching for the phone to call him. but now i just put it back. i don’t dial.

aversion therapy is what i’m trying. everytime i catch myself thinking about him, i yell at myself, “STOP! HE’S NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU. HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU. HE DOESN’T CARE, HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. HE WANTS SOMEONE ELSE. GET OVER IT. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOU.”

eventually i’ll get it through my thick skull. i realize that what i yell is true and then i’ll stop wasting my time. i will. i am strong.