someday when i say that i am afraid that i will never be loved, someone will understand. someone will understand that while the fear may be completely irrational, it makes pefect, logical sense for me to have such a fear. and really, what fears are all that rational?
this someone will understand that if one has never been loved by a man in her entire life, has never had any man not related to her say, “i love you,” one might start to fear that perhaps she’s incapable of being loved.
i just long for that day. when someone doesn’t tell me how full of crap i am, doesn’t tell me that i just haven’t found the right one, blah, blah, blah, blah. when someone just says, “i can see why you’d be afraid of that.”
then, of course, at that point they can tell me how goddamn wonderful i am and that all the men in my vicinity are stupid.
Bah, you haven’t been loved?! Get over it, you have too been loved.
Love is one of those words I don’t use lightly for that exact reason. If no man (outside the family) has ever told you that he loves you, then be glad that no one has used it to toy with you. In the wrong hands, those 3 little words could be very dangerous indeed.
I personally dig you and your literary acumen, but I wouldn’t be unfair to you and say that it’s love. If I didn’t already have a wife, I could fall in love with you, and I hope you understand that importance; Although you may feel to contrary due to a severe lack of intelligent men in your area, you are lovable.
Jodi, I understand how your past experiences would make you feel that way. You’re not crazy, you have a justified right to feel that way. But remember, we come here all the time to read, post, and to enjoy what you share, and you have a lot to share. You are lovable, very much so.
And yes, the men in Minnesota are idiots.
A lot of people have unreasonable fears. I was always terrified I would never be able to have children. I was convinced, from the time I was 6 or 7 years old, that I was barren. When my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, all the fears were compounded. I was then terrified that I would get pregnant, and miscarriage again, or deliver a stillborn. My fears were so great that I didn’t even want to have sex for fear that I would get pregnant. However, 3 beautiful children later, those fears are gone.
Hang in there.
I not only understand, I -know- your fear. We share it. It’s mine too.
And, yes, you’re a marvelous creature. 🙂