i’ve turned into an angry rock. nothing can penetrate my crunch youter shell consisting of nothing but undeniable, unexplicable rage. nothing. i am angry at nobody and everybody in general.
i cried tonight on the phone with the TTHM. i am angry that i let him hear me cry. i’m angry because i can’t keep it together anymore. i’m angry that i expect myself to keep it together anymore. i’m angry that i have to spend the next 3-6 months watching someone i love die. i’m angry because i don’t want to waste my energy being sad about it. i’m angry because i am sad about it. i’m angry because there’s nothing i can do. i’m angry that i can’t figure out what to do.
i’m angry because i feel like i’m being taken advantage of. things are happening and nobody cares what i want. i am helpless to stop anything. i’m angry because i’ve been crammed into a role i don’t want to play. i’m angry because people expect too much and i can’t do it all. i’m angry.
i’m angry because i need a hug and i don’t have anyone who will hug me, well besides max. max will always hug me. and i’m really angry that if someone even touched me i would start crying and probably not stop for a long long time and that would make me angrier.
mostly i am angriest about the fact that this is all very irrational. that i’m moody and stressed out and i keepthinking dark dark thoughts. the thoughts i’ve done so well at banishing. i’m angry because maybe if my hormones weren’t doing their monthly cycle thing maybe i could handle this all better and i wouldn’t fall back on my old habits. i’m angry that i’m caving in to the irrationality.
right now i feel very sure that i am never going to be unalone. that it’s my burden to bear, this loneliness, this unlovableness. i feel very sure that it will be the thing that puzzles all those who come across me who think, “she’s pretty cool. i wonder why she’s all alone,” and yet they don’t want to be the one to help me be unlonely.
in this moment, with the tears that won’t stop. this is the truest thing i know.
i know that will change when the hormones subside, when my body bleeds and my brain returns to normal. but tonight, i haven’t the energy to fight the mean reds. tonight i surrender.
Bring on the egg! C’mon ya wee bastard — pass! Give Jodi a break. Egg. Break. I command thee!
(There, I’ve cast my spell. While I can’t make any promises, I’m almost certain it will rain tomorrow.)
At least it is a _temporary_ insanity….
Your body merely wants to be pregnant, as it is designed to want…bad timing for sure what with your grandma’s condition fucking with your emotions.
Go do something physical is my best advice…send me a durable power of attorney is my worst advice .
I know acupressure points to turn off cramps, but I don’t have a cure for the hormonal rollercoaster….
and i thought it was bad that i usually had PMS during the week i had to write the newsletter here at work. sheesh, that’s nothing.
oddly enough maria (whom i love) has upped the newsletter deadline a week so she only has to deal with my usual primadonna bitchiness and not the superduper hormone fueled psychosis.
also, i don’t get too crampy generally– i think that’s my handsome reward for the rollercoasterness of my emotions.
it’s probably not much of a comfort, but it will pass, you’ll bleed and then feel a lot better. you got a lot of power going on right now sister friend, hang on to the throttle, try to idle, and sit it out.