last night i censored myself. obviously it’s bugging me if i’m still thinking about it.
i couldn’t sleep. wretched, wretched tossing and turning last night while i pondered Esther Greenwood and her madness. during my two hours of incessant tossing i got up not once, but twice to write in i will dare. but i stopped.
why?
because readers seem to worry about me when i can’t sleep. it’s wonderful, knowing that these random strangers worry but frustrating at the same time. i like to think i’m a smart girl. i know when something is wrong with me. i’ve dealt with bouts of insomnia since i was a 10-year-old.
so i didn’t write about not being able to sleep and how i worried about esther. i didn’t write about how one knows if they are going mad or how you can tell if you are seriously depressed.
and i’m angry at myself for that. i don’t want to cause any of you darling ones worry, but i’m not going to to do that again. ok?
i like being able to say exactly what is on my mind here on i will dare. i love it, that’s why i do it. i like having this forum to vent. i know it often makes me look a little imbalanced, depressed and hypocritcal. but it’s the truth as i see it at that moment (there’s no guarantee that the truth as i see it will change two moments from now). sometimes i am a little bit of all those things. if this journal is anything, it’s a reflection of my imperfection, my self doubt, my raging ego and my very humaness.
so there, no more censoring. i hope you can handle it and not worry about me too much. i’m a smart girl, i’m going to be ok. ok?
i get around the self-censorship thing with a privateblog. dead-tree journals don’t really cut it for me anymore. a keyboard feels better in my hands than a pen.
I hope you’re not referring to a message of concern I wrote you a while back, but you probably are. I will keep my mouth shut. Say what you will. I apologize for what I wrote.
In other news, you should look into Mason Jennings. Local boy with some songs that make me cry (“God bless the babies that sleep in you” – he wrote that because he couldn’t think of anything big enough to say to his girlfriend to tell her he loves her – he’s not holy or anything.). Give him a try. New cd out today.
ms.x i am referring to nobody in particular and encourage people to say what they feel, lord knows i do.
new mason jennings? *tud*