you know, despite how things appear in this journal, i really do try to put on a brave face for most everyone i know. people who know me think of me as sunny, optimistic, supportive, sweet and other sorts of boring things that go along with personalities like mine.
really, i am just very good at hiding the negative. burying it deep down inside and not talking about it. because if people don’t know, then they don’t think it’s there. people really don’t pay enough attention to me to realize i am depressed, unless i come out and say it. well, either they don’t pay enough attention or i am just really that good at hiding it. i am not sure which one is more true.
so i got stood up tonight by ray. that in and of itself i could have handled. i’ve been stood up before and i’m sure i’ll be stood up again. while the rudeness of such behavior does kinda jerk my chain, really i just worry mroe than anything. you know? just hope everything is all right and that it was just his carelessness that kept him from the date and not something tragic.
but then the other shoe dropped. one i was not prepared for.
it’s one of those situations where you have a friendboy and he’s just a friendboy that you like. he makes you laugh and you get along famously. you commiserate over your singlehood and sorta flirt with maybe you and him being something more. but then you are both much too chicken to take the first step so he just sorta stays being your friendboy and what not.
but then the friendboy gets home after a date and feels the need to tell you all the wonderful details and your just so damn jealous you want to cry.
you want to scream and cry and say mean things to him. but really, you have no right to be angry and/or jealous. because he’s not yours, you don’t own him. but somehow that doesn’t make sense at the time so instead your just all cold and unresponsive hoping he’ll pick up on it and catch the drift.
but he doesn’t.
so then you just fall a little deeper into your lonely friday night hole. just deep enough where you are pretty sure that nobody is going to find you and that nobody will even notice that you are missing, down there in the dark all alone and scared and crying.
then you just get upset at yourself for crying and carrying on like a big baby because you have no reason on earth to be sobbing like this. because you had your chance, more than ample opportunity to make things different between you and he and you didn’t because you’re a fucking chicken.
well, i am in one of those situations. and of course, i put on the brave face and was all nicey nice to friendboy about dategirl. encouraging and happy. because i am a liar. now i think i will go to bed and cry myself to sleep.