all the sides are still mine

Like a teenage boy sneaking out to a party or a prisoner trying to fool his captors, I arranged the extra pillows and blankets to appear as though here was a body waiting for me on your side of the bed. I wasn’t trying to fool anybody but myself. I tried to convince myself in that netherworld between sleep and dreams that there was someone who wanted to lie there beside me. For a long time I didn’t have to do that, because my bed was pushed up against the wall and I would just lean up against the wall and imagine someone there. But walls are cold and hurt when you bump your face into them.

So I constructed a man made of feathers and yarn and called him by your name. When I would lie in bed alone, trying to comfort myself to sleep, I would pretend it was you. I would talk to you in my head and curl up against you and you’d hold me and call me nice names like sugar plum fairy or something. I would rub my own lips with my thumb fantasizing it was your thumb preparing me for a kiss goodnight.

You were always there, my featherman, waiting to wrap me in your yarn arms, keeping me safe from the dreams that haunt me. Listening to my day or an excerpt from the book I was reading. The sex was always amazing. And after I would cry out your name you would beckon me to move a little closer because holding me when I was so smug and satisfied was your absolute favorite part. You would always chide me about falling asleep so quickly afterwards.

And even though I played both roles. Even though I acted out your part and put words in your mouth, I was still comforted. Because, when we actually talked and you got to play your own role I heard desire. I knew that given the chance you’d play that part. There was potential and that’s enough to keep you warm at night. It can make you smile in the morning. Maybe someday. . .

But someday wasn’t today and I woke up this morning with the extra pillows and blankets scattered on the floor, cold, and lacking potential.

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4 Comments

  1. AC 09.Apr.03 at 11:39 pm

    >called him buy your name
    >
    buy your name? Whatcha offering.

    Reply
  2. jodi 09.Apr.03 at 11:49 pm

    $7.50 and a blanket.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous 12.Apr.03 at 9:27 am

    This is pathetic.

    Reply
  4. hopeless romantic 17.Apr.03 at 1:16 am

    I hear ya, Jodi.

    Reply

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