i don’t have a blender, a mixer, a george forman grill (i decided it would be easier to buy a new one when i moved rather than clean the one i had), or a decent vibrator. i need to get married or have a housewarming party. however, i learned this weekend, that there is simply one appliance i cannot live without.

a toaster.

before i moved i called sister #4 to make sure she had a toaster. “yeah,” she said. “it’s brand-new a four-slicer!” with that reassurance, i tossed out my malfunctioning hand-me-down.

now, imagine if you will, how excited i was last weekend to wake up and have some peanut butter waffles in my new house with a new toaster. now, imagine just how devestating it was to learn that the fuckig piece of shit four-slicer didn’t work. i couldn’t for the life of me get the damn thing to stay down. i tried gently pressing the toast-lowering mechanism. i tried slamming it down. i thought maybe it was the plug-in and tried the toaster using every outlet in the kitchen and only gave up when sister #4, who spied me heading to the dining room with the toaster in hand, told me to give it up.

fine! i thought. fine. i can live without a toaster. who needs a toaster that bad?

i do. apparently. because everyday this week i tried that damn toaster again, hoping that maybe it was just temperamental. but it didn’t work on monday. it didn’t work on tuesday or wednesday or thursday. . . it never worked again.

so today i went out and bought a new toaster. i’ve never actually purchased a toaster before. and, i have to say, i have good taste in toaster. my toaster is the sexxiest toaster ever. ever. i can’t wait until i make some toast.