oh, it’s an early morning here in the jodiverse. i don’t know what posessed me. i can’t pull my ass out of bed this early during the week and now i’ve been up just long enough where i am really awake. my jump back into bed window of opportunity has closed. so now i am up for the long haul, with nowhere to be until 2 this afternoon.

>we had a rough night here. not a good night at all. the mean reds came back with a vengence. the mean reds coupled with too much wine at dinner mixed into some heavy-low-down-lonely blues. the weight of which buckled me and left me curled fetal position in the middle of my bed, throat aching with unshed tears. yes, last night i was lonely, bitter and angry. i clutched a pillow and sobbed as if my heart was breaking. i was just so lonely. the more sobbed the angrier i got with myself. i am supposed to be an independent, strong woman, not a big baby who cries herself to sleep. the angrier i was with myself the more i cried. you see the cycle?

so yes, i sobbed for myself last night. i cried for my lonesomeness. i cried over my neediness. i mourned my facade of self-reliant, independent woman of the new century. i cried because i couldn’t understand why nobody wanted to hang out with me. i just don’t understand why it is that men avoid me like the plague. i am a smart, fun, witty girl (and i have great breasts). what’s not to like? that’s when i realized how very needy i was. being needy is like wrapping yourself in a coat of barbed wire. people don’t get too close for fear of being ensnared. if only they’d realize that their closeness will make the wire disappear. but nobody seems to figure that out. now i’ve added another resolution to the list. i am going to stop being so needy. i am not sure how this gonna work. but damnit if anyone can, it will be me.