Hello Darling Ones,

It’s been five months on the dole and I’m struggling a little with direction and purpose.

How do you define yourself when you don’t really do anything to make money? And why is money the measure we use to define something as “real?”

This morning Sister #4 told us about how she got the fat raise & promotion she was fighting for at work. I’m so proud of her. She’s had to fight against a lot of Minnesota Nice bullshit and sexist bullshit to advocate for herself and not feel pushy or greedy.

Her happy news also brings up a bit of grief. I took a lot of pride in being a self-employed freelancer. I liked the tiny bit of danger that came with the ambiguity of that line of work and, of course, the creative fulfillment. I still have a few clients, but the work and money they bring in isn’t much, which is fine. While the dole isn’t much, I have enough to pay my mortgage.

But, the money validated me. It showed me what I did was worthy. And now? What?

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feel like a functional, important, contributing member of a capitalist society when you don’t have a paycheck to tell you so? It’s hard y’all.

My goal is to combat this feeling of uselessness while also trying to deprogram myself from this ingrained (is it a human thing? Midwestern productivity thing? Raised in poverty thing?) belief that not only do I NEED to be productive/useful to matter I can only be that when I get paid.

One of the things I’m doing which is both productive and useful and yet earns me $0.00 is making soup for The Olds .

I love soup, making and eating it. I also love feeding people. Whenever the West Coast fam stays at Supergenius HQ I make them listen as I list every single thing in the joint they can eat. They laugh and/or complain every time. I don’t care. My house, my rules.

So, every other week since Soup Season began I’ve been making a giant batch of soup to feed me and The Olds. Since I’m really getting into it, I’ve also begun making a dessert. This week was Uncle Kevin’s favorite soup, Beef & Barley. There were peanut butter & chocolate pretzel bars to go with it.

This soup was a couple of firsts for me. I used short ribs for the beef portion. I had no idea they had so munch fat. I also made & used a bouquet garni for the first time because I am fucking fancy. Yes, I am a top chef.

This whole process endlessly delights me, even when I get kinda grumpy making bars at 9 o’clock on a Tuesday because I procrastinated too much. I love dishing out portions of soup into the deli containers I bought 60 years ago back when Kari and I were friends and we’d do CSA Supperclub with my brother-in-law. I like using leftover Chinese food containers and donut boxes (both of these things are plastic) I saved for the desserts even though my mom shakes her head that I save and wash garbage. I love when my Uncle Wayne brings back his empties and asks for a refill. I love love love feeding the people I love.

My hope is next time I get woe-is-me about not being a good cog in the capitalist machinery I remember that you can useful and productive without making a single cent.

Souperly yours,
Jodi

P.S. I know you don’t need to be useful or productive to matter, but goddamnit I’m an Eldest Daughter and some things cannot be unlearned.