Ugh, Darling Ones,
This week has been utter shit and it’s bringing me down.
1. I’ve had the song “The Freshmen” by The Verve Pipe stuck in my head since Christmas time. It’s 100% my fault. A few years back I made an incredibly singable playlist of one-hit wonders from the 90s. My sibs & nibs all love this playlist and whenever it’s on someone is bound to burst into song. It’s fun. At least it was fun for that week in December when they were here. Having “The Freshman” on repeat in my brain whenever I’m not actively listening to music grows less and less fun as the weeks go. I just caught myself softly singing the stupid song and immediately strapped my cans to my head and turned on some Material Issue (“Freak City Soundtrack” if you’re curious).
2. My nephew and his live-in girlfriend of three years broke up and he’s moving to Portland. He moved a bunch of his stuff into my loft Tuesday night and last night he spent the night here. It was fucking rough, man.
He’s so tired and broken and it sucks. It sucks so much. I thought dealing with my own heartbreaks was tough, but fuck. . . I’d go through every break up I’ve even been through to save him from this. I don’t know how parents deal with their children and this kind of suffering. It’s the worst. Like, I know the only way is through and this is part of being a human, but it sucks.
It doesn’t help that I’m a giant cry baby. I cry when I’m happy and sad and angry and hilarious. If someone cries in my presence, they never cry alone. So I cried with him. After BFK fetched him to to bring him to the airport I cried a bunch more for myself and how much I’ll miss him. I liked having him near. I’m crying again just remembering crying earlier. Also, shedding a few tears over how much I love BFK and how it makes my heart warm that she’s family.
3. Everything I touch turns to shit. Or at least that’s the way it feels. I’ve had some fuckups at work. One that I’m about 89% is my fault and one that is not so much my fault but I should havre been smart enough to prevent it. It sucks. Making mistakes sucks and taking responsibility for it only made me feel moderately better. I’m so so so so burnt out and I’m really hoping that lull comes to visit.
4. On top of all this, I still have ever-present, free-floating anxiety I cannot shake.
Everything is a drag right now. Every thing.
Despite my vow to curtail frivolous spending, I decided to shove some capitalism into my soul full of holes. I was banking on this making me feel better. Shoppers high? Shiny new thing?
Instead of buying a thing, I decided I would buy myself a fancy treat. Cookies. Chocolates. Something like that. I found some cookies that looked really good and I was in, until I learned it was $27 for four cookies. FOUR COOKIES FOR 27 DOLLARS! That’s craziness. So instead I bought myself some Little Debbie Valentine’s Snack Cakes for $2.49. This still seems like a ridiculous price for Little Debbies, but what can you do?
At least the free grocery store flowers I got last week are still going strong (pictured above) so I got that going for me.