Talking to the Taxman about Blogging

Hi Darling Ones,

I’m not sure if it’s a generational thing or it’s a jodirational thing, but every time I think about my taxes Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly pops into my head and narrates all my taxation thoughts with various images from the Community Chest and Chance cards. This is probably because Monopoly was my first experience of taxes.

The other day before I had to give the first of three presentations I was so anxious I decided to distract myself by doing my taxes. This was a whole four days earlier than I planned. I was ahead of the game like an actual professional business woman. For the most part, taxes are just a pain in my ass. I’m constantly afraid I will hit the wrong button and my computer will sound the alarms and the IRS will be at my doorstep in moments to arrest me for crime.

IRS, if you’re listening, I am much too poor and stupid to do a tax crime.

Taxes only annoy me rather than enrage me, because I magical think my way into believing all my tax money goes towards funding public libraries.

So the gist of all this is I did my taxes early for the first time since like 2009. I submitted them on Tuesday and on Friday I got a notice that Scott County messed up my property tax statement. This is why you never do anything early. Ever. However, it worked in my favor because now I qualify for a rebate which will help me pay my stupid property taxes.

I hate this for me, and you. I hate that I’m a nearly fifty-year-old woman who talks about her fucking taxes. Ain’t nothing sexy about that, no matter how cute the Joan Jett shirt I’m wearing is. I should not be talking about taxes. I should be talking about the new Wet Leg record and how much I love singing the line I went to school and I got the big D. Or the recurring dream I have where a bunch of guys I went to college with are chastising me for not being prepared for moving to a new house.

Or my new Medusa shirt.
Or how I’ve started calling my favorite ginger cookies emotional support cookies.
Or how I’m a little bit in love with Rodney Mullen.
Or how the ever-rising cost of groceries is super freaking me out.
Or how I had three Random Replacements’ sightings* yesterday
Or anything else, really.

But, I talked about my boring taxes because they’ve been on my mind. Somehow there seemed to be more meat to that story than to the one about how I didn’t swear in any of my presentations even though I was really worried I was gonna and I had Rockin’ the Suburbs stuck in my head all week because of that fear.

Taxingly yours,

*A Random Replacements Sighting is when you run into a reference, a mention, or a song by The Replacements when you least expect it. A man I’ve had a crush on for twenty years once told me I was inescapable because The Replacements are inescapable. I told him he should be happy because I’m a fucking delight.

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