Dearest Darling Ones,
I apologize in advance for this one. I’m about to do a bunch of things a writer should never do. I know this and am going to do it anyway. Mostly because I feel super shitty and I have found that typing it out sometimes makes me feel better.
I’m writing while hungry and low key dehydrated. I’m pretty despondent and been crying for roughly four hours, hence the dehydration. I’m being very melodramatic in my head and catastrophizing like a motherfucker. My feelings are hurt. I’m sad, and a little bit angry.
This afternoon Sister #2 texted Sister #4 and I that she and her family would be renting an Airbnb for Christmas instead of staying at Supergenius HQ. She said Thanksgiving was too stressful and uncomfortable. As you may recall, Sister #2 and I had what I called a small tiff on Thanksgiving night.
I knew she was mad after I defended myself from their constant “jokes” about my house and hosting. And even though I didn’t say anything out loud, I was pretty sure she’d do something to mess with Christmas.
From her point of view, I made Ben and her uncomfortable by asking all of them to back off the jokes because I was getting sensitive. She said it came out of nowhere and she felt trapped with nowhere to go. She said she wasn’t ignoring me the rest of the night, even though I was the only person she wasn’t speaking to, but rather disassociating because of the panic I caused. She accused me of being like our Dad.
In the text exchange where Sister #4 and I expressed our dismay at this turn of events, Sister #2 “encouraged” us to think about how she and Ben feel.
Because I know my role in this family, because I know I’m not a person who matters much in the grand scheme, because I know I only receive love when I do what people want, when I am pleasant and giving, I said nothing to defend myself. Instead, I apologized for making her feel that way and tried to explain that my only intention was to make the jokes stop. I did not encourage her to think about how I feel. I did not point out how she was only disassociating from me for the rest of the evening, while she, Sister #4, and Ben talked amiably about Sister #4’s new house.
In fact, I apologized three times throughout the multi-text conversation. I accept my role in making her uncomfortable. Not once did she apologize or recognized that my feelings had been hurt or that she had a role in hurting them.
See what I mean by being a person who doesn’t generally matter?
I lost Sister #3 for a similar reason during Christmas 2018. She accused me of putting conditions on my gifts, and I told her I felt like she used me. We didn’t speak again until my parents deposited her on my couch after she attempted suicide in September 2019. She used me right up until her doctor told said I could give her the pills back. Then I didn’t hear from her until all the Tibble stuff went down February 2020. She hasn’t spoken to me since I had to kick out Cade in April of 2020.
What truly hurts is that I know I am always one slip of the tongue away from being ostracized. I’ve known this for a long, long time and yet, I still pretend in my heart that Sister #2 is the only person who really cares about me. I frequently call her my tether to this Earth. I like to believe if I say it or think it enough, it will be true.
But it’s not, and I know that, and it hurts a lot to reminded of my precarious position in the hearts of my family.
Can we skip to 2022 now?