For as long as I have talked about my height on the Internet, I’ve attracted the attention of submissive men. There is something about a freakishly tall, large woman that make a lot of submissive men weak in the knees.
I know very little about the culture of BDSM. I’ve read some stuff out of curiosity, specifically when there were all those “50 Shades is wrong this is what it is supposed to be like” articles. I know just enough to realize I know dick about that sub-culture. And it’s okay, I don’t have to know everything. In fact, considering I am not a dominatrix nor a submissive I don’t need to know anymore than I already do.
Let me repeat this: I am not a dominatrix. I have no desire to be.
However, since I entered the quagmire that is online dating a lot of men really, really want me to dominate them. In fact, they want to be dominated by me so much they are willing to be quite aggressive about it. This aggression in men who claim to be submissive puzzles me greatly. It feels kind of like irony.
On a near daily basis my various inboxes have messages from men who want me to “own them” or who want to “be my pet” or “my little slut.” A lot of times these dudes are easy enough to ignore, because they are so obvious. There’s a lot to be said for the obvious, they make it way easier.
It’s the ones who start out with what appears to be genuine interest in me as a person that get my goat. These ones are also the most aggressive about their entitlement to have their desires fulfilled.
One of them, after messaging me about writing and such, proceeded to spill out his fantasy of wearing heels, stockings, and panties, and then having me carry him to my bed and ravish him. When I didn’t respond the way he liked he said and I quote, “You need to be really into this for it to be fun and fulfilling.”
How I responded: “Oh.”
How I should have responded: “Uh, yeah, I can see that, fuckwad. However, you never asked if I was really into it. In fact, you never asked at all what I was into instead you just foisted your desires all over me and then have the nerve to be mad that my kinks don’t bend the same way your kinks do. Fuck off, pal.”
I have another one who refuses to believe I can be a feminist and also not a dominatrix at the same time. Because, “isn’t feminism just about being bossy and controlling?” I’m pretty sure the hate emanating from me after reading that line killed that man dead on the spot. At least I hope it knocked him down or something.
Of course because I am a Minnesota Nice girl born & bred I often try to dismiss these men as kindly as possible. Like I know they are not worth the effort. I know that. But at the same time they’re still people. Plus, I don’t want to shame anyone for their sexuality. Why I put their entitlement over my own desire to not be objectified like is really beyond me.
So often I’ll say something like “that’s just not my thing,” which sometimes work, but not always. When it doesn’t I get a little angry and try “I don’t know you well enough to be invested in your sexual fantasies.” This has worked not at all and only incites them to be more persuasive — and then they just tell me more of their fantasies which is apparently the whole of their being? Fuck if I know.
And really it’s the aggressiveness in which they pursue me to fulfill these fantasies that surprises me. They are cunning these aggressive submissives, they play to my self-esteem weaknesses, praising my height and my weight. If I didn’t pay close attention I would think their desire was for me, specifically, but I know they only want a big/tall warm body to play with. Or to play with them, as the case may be.
My instincts led me to think submissive men would also be meek or easily put off by disinterest, and as it turns out this is SO NOT THE CASE. Or at least this is not the case on the Internet where entitlement runs rampant and it’s easy to be skeezy when you don’t have to deal with the fallout in person.
Here’s what makes your aggressive submissive types tick. Think opposite world. You’re dealing with fantasy here, so your CEO, who has to be in charge all damn day, doesn’t want to be in charge in fantasy land. Wealth aside, you get a lot of submissive types in the teaching biz too. Anyone who has to make decisions all day wants to have someone else do it in bed. The aggressive part is because, well, you don’t have a job where you’re in charge of shit without having some take-charge tendencies. Here are your tigers who can’t change their stripes. It’s the same reason people take their laptops on vacation with them.
Why are they drawn especially to you and your height? For your straight guys wanting to be dominated by a woman, odds are, he will always be bigger, which means that he could potentially overpower her at some point, a total buzzkill for a sub. But, give him someone who’s a few inches taller than he is? That’s fantasy on steroids.
Not to mention that since the bus crash of 50 Shades descended upon us, everyone thinks they know way more about BDSM than they actually do, so you’ll get more fuckwads now than you would have, say, before Christian Gray showed us all how it’s done. Gag me. And not in the good way.
You’ve just blogged the outline to your bestselling novel. Get busy, i want to read it! :o)
HA! My friend Vodo used to say the same thing. I think I even have a short story start out there somewhere.